Doctor Jokes

by | Sep 16, 2025 | Latest News, School Jokes

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  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best doctor jokes.
  2. Looney Tunes Jokes: Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?” The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.” “And if I don’t get it sorted out?” The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”
  3. Civil War Jokes: Medical bills are expensive but let’s take comfort that it isn’t like the Civil War era… Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back then.
  4. U2 Jokes: Bono returns to the doctor for a checkup after his back surgery. The doctor asks… “Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same?
  5. Spaghetti Jokes: A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear, a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose. He says “Doctor, I’m not feeling very well”. Doctor replies “Hmmm, I don’t think you’re eating properly.”
  6. What do you call it when a heart tells a lie?… A fib.
  7. Pi Day Jokes: On a scale from 1-10 my pain seems to always be Pi… It may be a low level but it goes on forever. 
  8. Blizzard Jokes & Farmer Jokes: Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?… She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.
  9. Illinois Jokes: What state needs the most doctors?… “ILL” inois.
  10. Valentine’s Day Jokes: “I can’t be your Valentine for medical reasons.”…“Really?”… “Yeah, you make me sick!”
  11. Sandwich Jokes: Did you hear about the sandwich who went to the doctor?… He went to the mayo clinic.
  12. Patient: Can I see my results. Ophthalmologist: Probably not.
  13. Patient: Sometimes I feel invisible. Doctor: Who said that?
  14. Covid Jokes: News: Doctors recommend pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients… And all other foods that can fit under the door.
  15. Michigan Jokes: 9 out of 10 doctors recommend that children drink water instead of soda… The 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
  16. U2 Jokes: What is an anesthesiologist favorite U2 song?… Numb.
  17. Patient: I can’t stop telling airplane jokes. Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you. It is terminal.
  18. What specialists have the funniest jokes?… Internal medicine. The have all the inside jokes.
  19. Indiana State Basketball Jokes: Why did you give the tree some aspirin?… Because I heard it was a sycamore! 
  20. Psychology Jokes: Patient: I have the same dream. I see wigwams and teepees. Psychiatrist: Your problem is your are two tents.
  22. Doctor Jokes:
  23. Patient: I feel like a curtain. Doctor: Take a deep breath and pull yourself together.
  24. Change of Heart by Tom Petty… The official song of heart transplants.
  25. What job has you asking people to pick their noses?… Plastic surgeon.
  26. Leap Year Jokes: What do you call a surgery on Leap Day?… A hop-eration.
  27. Labor Day Jokes: Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?… Weekend immune system.
  28. Halloween Jokes: Two friends go to a costume party dressed as doctors… They are a paradox.
  29. What’s the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?… A doggy roverdose.
  30. Alaska Jokes: I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island… but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  31. What is a chiropractor‘s favorite Bruce Springsteen song?… Backstreets.
  32. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… HIPPA… HIPPA who?… Sorry. I can’t tell you that!
  33. Music Jokes: What Jackson Browne song is on every Doctor playlist?… Doctor My Eyes.
  34. Bird Jokes: What do you give a sick bird?… Tweetment.
  35. Chocolate Chip Cookie Jokes: I ate too much chocolate chip cookie dough and got sick… It was an overdoughse.
  36. Groundhog Day Jokes: Where do ill groundhogs go?… The hogspital. 
  37. What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations?… Tinsilitis!
  38. Brownie Jokes: When should you take a brownie to the doctor?… When it feels crummy. 
  39. Music Jokes: What song is on the top of every cardiologist’s playlist?…Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin.
  40. Hot Dog Jokes: What do you call a dog with a fever?… A hot dog.
  41. Book Jokes: Why did the tutor take his book to the hospital?… Because it had a broken spine.
  42. Navy Jokes: Why did the Navy optometrist set his clock to military time?… To see 20:20.
  43. American Revolution Jokes: Why did John Adams go to the doctor?… He had a bad case of independence-itis.
  44. Ski Pun: A novice skier often jumps to contusions.
  45. Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg in a skiing accident?… He ended up being all right.
  46. What is on every cardiologist playlist?… Listen to Your Heart by Roxette.
  47. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but they’re great at running Lab reports.
  48. What do a call a dog that sneezes?… A-choo-wawa.
  49. Sturgeon Moon Jokes: Do you think a surgeon likes the Sturgeon Full Moon?
  50. Flag Day Jokes: Why did the American flag go to the doctor?… Because it had a few stripes.
  51. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy. 
  52. What Tom Petty song is on Every cardiologist playlist?… Change of Heart.
  53. What band is on the top of every cardiologist’s playlist?… Heart.
  54. What song is on every cardiologist’s playlist?… Straight From The Heart by Bryan Adams.
  55. I went skiing yesterday. It was fun but I broke my arm… I guess skiing has its downsides.
  56. I recently got very addicted to skiing… My doctor told me I’m going down a slippery slope.
  57. I went to see my doctor today about a problem… I keep reading Lord of the Rings over &over again… She told me not to worry. It’s just force of hobbit!
  58. What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?… Alp!
  59. Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings That’s ok, you’re just Tolkien in your sleep.
  60. What do you call a Lord of Rings fan with a sprained ankle?… A hobblit.
  62. How is a healthy person like the United States?… They both have good constitutions!
  63. Kevin threw one watermelon at Andrew, what does Andrew have now?… A concussion.
  64. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my father going to do?
  65. I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.
  66. What do you give to a #penguin that’s ill?… Some #medical tweetment.
  67. A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot in the other ear, and a baby pumpkin stuck in one nostril. The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
  68. The worst thing about sea sickness?… It comes in waves!
  69. What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?… A centipede with athlete’s foot.
  70. Did you hear about the snowboarder who broke his elbow?… It was rather humerus.
  71. Why was the clock rushed to the hospital?… He fell back for an hour.
  72. What do you call a #leprechaun with a sore throat?… A streprechaun!
  73. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about doctors?
  75. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good doctor knock-knock joke?
  76. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good doctor knock knock jokes? 
  77. Why do NBA basketball players love @Oreo cookies?… Because they can dunk them!
  78. Did you hear about the #hockey player who became a surgeon?… He specialized in bury-hat-trick #surgery.
  79. Where does the Cat in the Hat go when he’s sick?… To Dr. Seuss
  80. I saw a picture online that had Dre, Seuss, and House cropped into the background… Clearly it had been doctored.
  81. What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?… Doctor Who.
  82. What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?… Little Sneezers.
  83. #RobinHood went to see a doctor… …he was diagnosed with Menintightis. 
  84. Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day?… If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.
  85. Told the doctor I had a mince pie growing out of my head. He said he had some cream for it.
  86. What does Winnie say when he sneezes?… Ahh-ahh-POOH!!!
  87. What do you give a sick bird?… Tweetment.
  88. Doctors make the best Jedi?… Because a Jedi must have patience.
  89. Where does a canoe go when it’s sick?… the Dock.
  90. I ate too much cookie dough and got sick… It was an overdoughse.
  91. What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?… A rash of good luck on St. Patrick’s Day!
  92. My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: “This is my hip replacement.”
  93. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy. (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  94. If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?…Missile Toe! (Christmas Jokes / Christmas Trivia / Sports Jokes A – Z)
  95. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?… Claustrophobic. (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  96. When does a doctor get mad?… When he runs out of patients!
  97. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?… He was feeling all stuffed up!
  98. Why did the doctor lose his temper?… Because he didn’t have any patients!
  99. Where does a boat go when it’s sick?… To the dock!
  100. What did on tonsil say to the other tonsil?… Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out!
  101. Did you hear the one about the germ?… Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
  102. Why did the computer go to the doctors?… It had a virus.
  103. What falls but never gets hurt?… The rain! (Spring Jokes)
  104. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?… He was feeling really crumby!
  105. What does a pig put on a cut?… Oinkment
  106. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?… He had low elf esteem! (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)