Civil War Jokes

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• 365 Jokes for Teachers
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• All State Jokes / 101 Civil War Jokes

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1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best Civil War jokes.
2. Civil War jokes?… I don’t General Lee like them.
3. I was researching the Jackson family tree. I got back as far as the Civil War and then… I hit a stone wall.
4. I, General Lee, believe Civil War jokes are in bad taste.
5. Most people consider the Battle of Gettysburg the turning point of the American Civil War… For the Confederacy, it all went South from there.
6. People often ask me if I know my Civil War era historical figures…. My response is usually “General Lee.”
7. I’m a historian who studies the American Civil War. Unfortunately, it’s been hard making money at this… So I applied for a General Grant.
8. “Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy the show?”
9. Southerners can do pretty good Civil War voice impressions…. General Lee speaking.
10. You know, I don’t find the Super Bowl LI win all that historic… After all, this isn’t the first time Atlanta was burned by the North.
11. Son: I can’t believe I have to memorize the entire Gettysburg Address by tomorrow. Dad: Make sure you don’t forget the zip code!
12. Why didn’t the Confederate soldier want to go to the baseball game?… He heard the Yankees were playing.
13. The Civil War might be old news… but it’s still cannon-ical in history.
14. Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel… It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
15. The tourist: ”Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?” Be a “Teacher Ranger” at Gettysburg National Military Park
16. Civil War Advice: Never take a victory for Grant-ed.
17. Why did the soldier take a pencil to the battle?… To draw his weapons.
18. Civil War Pun: Some say Lincoln’s humor was dry… but his wit was emancipating.
19. Why is Abraham Lincoln considered the least guilty American President?… Because he is in a cent.
20. What did the Confederate flag say to the Union flag?… Nothing. It waved! (Top Flag Day Jokes)
21. What kind of dive are Civil War infantry men best at?… Cannon-ball (101 Sports Jokes)
22. Abraham Lincoln was great at speeches… but not so much at ducking bullets.
23. Who rode a dog and was a Confederate General during the American Civil War?… Robert E Flea!
24. What did one Confederate flag say to the other flag?… Nothing. It waved! (Top Flag Day Jokes)
25. Where did the General Lee put his armies?… In his sleeveis. (get it his sleeves)?
26. Where did the General Grant put his armies?… In his sleeveis. (get it his sleeves)?
27. The Civil War was a battle of wills… but someone should have told General Grant to chill.
28. People say history repeats itself. Hopefully… it’ll skip the part where soldiers march for weeks without snacks.
29. Medical bills are expensive but let’s take comfort that it isn’t like the Civil War era… Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back then.
30. Civil War Pun: I tried to make a joke about Reconstruction… but it just didn’t rebuild well.
31. Civil War Pun: Reenactors love Civil War stories because they’re timeless classics… no need for a re-vision.
32. How did the Union win the war?… They Never took a victory for Grant-ed.
33. The Civil War generals never trusted stairs… too many uprisings.
34. Civil War Pun: When the Union made a decision… it was truly a unifying moment.
35. Civil War Pun: During the Civil War, campfires were intense… or should I say, in-tents.
36. The Union’s strategy was straightforward… divide, conquer, and complain about the weather.
37. What do you call a Civil War general in a restaurant?… A waiter for history.
38. A Confederate soldier once got lost and said, “Looks like I’m seceding from my group now.”
39. Knock, knock! Who’s there?… Abe Lincoln… Abe Lincoln who?… Aww, come on! Don’t you know who Abe Lincoln is? (Presidents Day Jokes & School Knock-Knock Jokes)
40. Why was the battlefield always messy?… It had too much debris-da!
41. The Union soldier’s motto was, “Keep calm and carry on… until the cannons start.”
42. Why didn’t soldiers write home more often?… They didn’t want to “draft” unnecessary drama.
43. What’s a Civil War soldier’s favorite type of clothing?… Union suits.
44. Why did the Confederate soldier lose the race?… He seceded too soon.
45. Why did the Civil War drummer boy bring two sticks?… Because he wanted to beat the odds.
46. What did one Union flag say to the other flag?… Nothing. It waved! (Top Flag Day Jokes)
47. General Lee tried to play chess, but his strategy always ended in “check, mate.”
48. Teacher: Abraham Lincoln had to walk 8 miles to so school. Student: He should have gotten up earlier and taken the bus like everyone else. (Top School Jokes)
49. What was Morgan Freeman called before the Civil War?… Morgan.
50. What do you call it when Civil War generals argue over food?… A beef history.
51. How did soldiers clean their boots during the war?… They used a little elbow grease and a lot of soap opera.
52. The South’s cotton industry was thriving… but their battle strategies were unraveling.
53. LETTER HOME… A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the …. mailman.
54. So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War… I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
55. Union soldiers loved morning drills… nothing like waking up to the sound of cannon coffee.
56. When a Civil War soldier was asked about his future, he said, “I’m planning to keep my past tense.”
57. Why did Lincoln hate waiting in line?… He couldn’t stand the que—and it’s no tall tale.
58. Why was the North better at math?… They always carried the ‘one’.
59. When I heard about the Civil War. I thought it was a family dispute. Turns out, it was a nation-wide argument.
60. The only thing tighter than Civil War uniforms was the North’s battle strategy.
61. Civil War Pun: The soldiers didn’t gossip much… but they were excellent at “battlefield chatter.”
62. Civil War Pun: When the cannon fired… everyone knew it was a “bomb” of a joke.
63. Civil War jokes?… I General Lee like them.
64. I told my friend I was reading about the Civil War. He said, “Which side?” I replied, “The outside.”
65. I asked a historian if Civil War soldiers had good aim. They replied, “Not really, but they were always on target with their drama.”
66. Why didn’t the South ever win a singing competition?… They kept missing the Union.
67. Why did the North start a jazz band?… They wanted to play some Union tunes.
68. What would Lincoln be doing if he were alive today?… Frantically clawing at the inside of his coffin.
69. Civil War Pun: The South had great cooks, but they really couldn’t “secede” in the kitchen
70. I tried to join a Civil War reenactment, but I was told I didn’t have the right uniforms. Guess I’m undresserved.
71. Civil War Pun: Never take a victory for Grant-ed.
72. To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn’t want any guns.
73. Why did the cannonball break up with its girlfriend?… It just couldn’t handle the pressure.
74. What’s the Civil War’s favorite dessert?… Secession pie.
75. Cannonball’s Midlife Crisis A cannonball rolled out of the ammunition pile and sighed, “I’m tired of being used for destruction. Can’t I just be part of a game of bowling?” Another cannonball replied, “Stop dreaming. We’re in a war, not a league.”
76. Why do the French have so many civil wars?… So they can win one every now and again. 
77. The Great Coffee Debate During a break in battle, a Union soldier brewed some coffee. A Confederate soldier smelled it and shouted, “What’s that fancy aroma?” The Union soldier grinned and replied, “Victory.” The Confederate soldier sneered, “More like surrender in a cup!” They ended up sharing the coffee, but the debate over whose brew was better continues to this day.
78. Why did the soldier take a crayon to the battle?… To draw his weapons.
79. Drummer Boy’s Blues A young drummer boy was asked why he played so loud during battle. He replied, “I’m trying to drown out the sounds of everyone complaining about the weather.” Needless to say, he became the troop’s favorite morale booster.
80. What do you call a goody two-shoes who gets injured in the Civil War?… Goody one-shoe.
81. Abe’s Joke Gone Wrong Abraham Lincoln loved telling jokes, but one day he said, “I’m about to deliver my biggest punchline yet!” His advisors panicked, thinking it was a literal punch. Turns out, it was just his way of introducing a witty remark about his hat collection.
82. Back in the Civil War, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die… Now it’s considered kid stuff.
83. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the years of the Civil War?
84. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me who won of the Civil War?
85. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the two sides of the Civil War?
86. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell where the treaty was signed to end the Civil War?
87. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the number of deaths during the Civil War?
88. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the president of the Confederacy?
89. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the president of the United States during the Civil War?
90. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the top Union generals during the Civil War?
91. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the top Confederate generals during the Civil War?
92. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the 1st state to secede from the Union the Civil War?
93. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe believe we have 100 Civil War jokes?
94. 2025 March Madness Jokes: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe believe we have 101 Civil War jokes?