Massachusetts Jokes

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Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have wicked pissah Massachusetts jokes.
Top Massachusetts Colleges If you’re wicked smaht… You go to Harvard!
Hot Dog Jokes: What is the most honest hot dog in Major League Baseball?… The Fenway Frank.
49 States “Please pass the remote” Massachusetts: “Gimme the Clickah!”
49 States “In the Basement” Massachusetts: “Down Cellah!”
Pope Jokes: If you’re from Boston… You’ll know who the cahdnal is & how to take the T to JP.
College Jokes: Yes, I am from Massachusetts. No I’m not going to pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd!
If you’re wicked smaht… you’ll never get cahded at the packie!
Wizard of Oz Jokes: Massachusetts Movie Review of Wicked: “Wicked Pissah!”
Summer 2026: What’s the difference between dirt and the Boston Red Sox opponents?… Nothing, they both always get swept.
August Boston Bucket List: Going back to school during the Marshfield Fair… just isn’t fair!.
Fall Jokes: I fell in love with the foliage in Massachusetts… It really leaves a lasting impression!
Boston Celtics Jokes: What famous Southern Rock anthem is the same as the Boston Celtics offense during the 1980s… Free Bird.
Astronomy Jokes: Instead of doing commercials for shoulder pain, former Red Sox pitcher, Roger “Rocketman” Clemens should ask Elon Musk if he could be a spokesperson for Space X.
2026 Little League World Series: Little League World Series Jokes: Knock knock?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe believe BridgeWATER, Massachusetts was rained out at the Little League World Series?… I guess that makes sense.
Canoe Jokes: Knock knock?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe sing the Massachusetts State Song?… All Hail To Massachusetts.
Welcome to Massachusetts… Where the weather is made up and the seasons do not matter.
Boston Marathon Jokes: What is the #1 marathon for cardiologists?… The Boston Marathon. They love Heartbreak Hill.
New England Jokes: What James Taylor song is great for the New England seasons “Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall?”… “You’ve Got a Friend.”
What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?…Plymouth Rock!(Thanksgiving Jokes)
Pilgrim Jokes: If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?… Pilgrims (The Mayflower Ship) (Thanksgiving Jokes)
Boston Celtics Jokes: 617 Day: The unofficial holiday of the Boston Celtics. (June 17th is the date the Celtics won the 2008 and 2024 NBA Titles.)
Top 10 Lines From Norm Peterson: Coach:”What’s shaking, Norm?” Norm: “All four cheeks and a couple of chins.”
Coffee Jokes: Only in Massachusetts would there be a Dunkin Donuts next to a Dunkin Donuts.
College Jokes: A team of scientists from MIT saw a statistic that said 80 percent of crow deaths in the state were because the crow had been hit by a truck. They decided to investigate why that was, and the results were pretty interesting. Crows often eat roadkill, so it wasn’t surprising that they were getting killed by trucks, but it was interesting that only trucks, not cars were hitting the crows. Something unique about crows is that one crow flys higher than all the other crows, who is known as the watch crow, who communicates with the others and warns them of danger. After studying the watch crow for a bit the scientists finally figured out why the trucks had been killing the crows. It turns out the watch crow could only say “caa” and not “truck.”
American Revolution Jokes: America: Hey England, Happy Fourh of July! England: Where’s the T? America: Threw it in the Boston Harbor!
The Dunkin’ Rule: Paranoia sets in if you cannot see a Dunkin’ or a CVS within eyeshot at all times.
Speed Limits: The guy driving 70 mph in front of you on the highway is getting sworn at for going too slow.
The “Regular” Coffee: Ordering a “regular” coffee gets you a coffee with loads of cream and sugar—whether you wanted it or not.
The Missing Letter: The letter ‘R’ does not exist at the end of words, but it shows up out of nowhere in words like “idea-r.”
Town Names: Testing an out-of-stater by asking them to pronounce Worcester, Peabody, Billerica, and Gloucester on the first try.
Springfield: To anyone living near Boston, Springfield is considered “way out west” like it’s the frontier.
The Rotary: Drivers from other states panic at traffic circles, while locals treat rotaries like a high-speed merge game of chicken.
Year-Round Ice: You know you’re a true local when you keep an ice scraper in your car right next to your beach chair in July.
New Hampshire Runs: Driving across the border to New Hampshire on a Sunday just because blue laws kept liquor stores closed at home.
The Ultimate Compliment: You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn’t flip you the bird when you steal their parking space in Southie.
What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down?… Massachusetts
Boston Marathon Jokes Training for the Boston Marathon is very big commitment… But it’s worth it in the long run!
Pope Jokes: What is the Pope’s favorite state in America?… “Mass”achusetts.
Blizzard Jokes: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell the year of the historic blizzard in Massachusetts?… 1978 – the Blizzard of ’78.
American Revolution Jokes: The history teacher in Massachusetts said his lessons were Revolutionary!
Math Jokes: What U.S. state teaches math class all year long?… Mathachusetts.
Summer 2026: Why is Fenway Park the scariest place to play during the 2026 baseball season?… There are a few reasons #1 the Green Monster #2 WALLY the Green Monster #3 the bleacher creatures in the outfield and #4 the Red Sox happen to be the hottest team in baseball history.
May Day Jokes: Did you hear Ted Danson, the actor who played former Red Sox reliever Sam “May Day” Malone in the TV show Cheers, is the spokesperson for May Day?
2026 Little League World Series Jokes: Why did the Bridgewater, Massachusetts police officer go to the Little League World Series baseball game?… Someone stole second base!
Cape Cod Jokes: I told my friend I was going to a Cape Cod Massachusetts festival, and he said, “That sounds wicked fun!”
Which US state has allergies?… Massachusetts.
Arbor Day Jokes: Brain TREE… the unofficial town of Arbor Day.
American Revolution Jokes: Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England Student: What’s new, England? England: walks in Not much. What’s new with you.
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe name the state motto for Massachusetts?… The official state motto of Massachusetts is “Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem,” which translates from Latin to “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty”.
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the nickname for Massachusetts?… The Bay State.
New England Jokes: An old Vermonter who lives right on the Massachusetts boundary has his land surveyed… After the survey was complete and the new map was made, it turned out that he had been living in Massachusetts all this time. “Good” said the old man. “I can’t take any more of those Vermont winters!”
New England Patriots… The official NFL team of the American Revolution.
If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit.
Baseball Jokes: Why are people afraid of Fenway Park?… The big, bad Green Monster.
Boston Celtics Jokes: 1957, 1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1968, 1969, 1974, 1976, 1981, 1984, 1986, 2008, 2024... Banner years in Boston!
Boston Marathon Jokes: I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for finishing the Boston Marathon… They just take the money and run.
Boston Marathon Jokes: Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon… He is believed to be still on the run.
Jaws Jokes: How did the Royal Family get to Martha’s Vineyard for the 50th Anniversary of Jaws… The Island Queen.
Teacher: “More than 200 years ago, our forefathers defeated the British in the Revolutionary War.” Student: “Wow! They must have been pretty strong, four men defeating a whole army!” (4th of July Jokes)
What do you call a patriot who’s always on time?… A minute man.
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?…Liberty! (4th of July Jokes)
What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?…Tea-shirts. (4th of July Jokes)
Tea Jokes: HAPPY FOURH OF JULY Looking for the T?… It’s in Boston Harbor.
The Philadelphia 76ers, The New England Revolution, The New England Patriots… The official sports teams of the American Revolution.
#1 H2O Little League World Series Match-up: BridgeWATER, Massachusetts vs. Great Lakes.
Bobby favorite Little League World Series Match-up = BridgeWATER, Massachusetts vs. Great Lakes.
I forgot my Boston Marathon joke…I need something to jog my memory!
Boston Celtics Jokes: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the how many NBA titles the Celtics have won? (NBA Champions)
Tourist: “Have you lived in Massachusetts all your life?” Local: “No, not yet.”
How do you know you’re from Massachusetts?… When you believe using your car horn is an essential way of communication!
I’m not YELLING! I am from Massachusetts… I am just wicked loud!
American Revolutionary War Jokes: The Boston Tea Party was a real brew-ha-ha!
Don’t make me use my Boston accent!
Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you name the Massachusetts holiday that coincides with the Boston Marathon? (Patriots Day)
I’m ‘wicked’ excited to explore Massachusetts!
Labor Day Jokes: Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
How do people in Boston vote?… Early and often!
A Boston native dies and is sent to Hell. The Devil tries to make him as uncomfortable as possible, maintaining a temperature of 100 degrees, but the man does not seem to mind. “How can you be comfortable?” the Devil asks. “I used to spend my summers on the Cape,” the man replies. “This feels just like June. I can handle this.” “Very well then,” says the Devil, and he turns the heat up to 130 degrees. “No problem,” answers the man. “My studio apartment was $2000 a month, so I couldn’t afford an air conditioner. This feels just like July.” “Have it your way,” says the Devil, and he turns the heat up to 180 degrees. “Big deal,” says the man, still unfazed. “I used to sit in the bleachers at Fenway Park. This feels just like August.” The Devil thinks for a moment, then decides to reduce the temperature to minus-50. At this, the man smiles, and starts jumping up and down and shouting happily. “What now?” asks the Devil. “Hell froze over!” the man yells triumphantly. “The Red Sox must have finally won the World Series!”
What did the Massachusetts flag say to the American flag?… Nothing. It waved! (Top Flag Day Jokes)
My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in the Boston Marathon after only 1 mile… I’ve become a running joke.
Did you hear about the Boston Marathon runner who was afraid of speed bumps on the road?… He’s slowly getting over it!
Did you hear about the Boston Marathon runner who did the race barefoot?… She suffered the agony of de-feet!
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The Red Sox World Series win was, and it will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you’re swearing at him for going too slow. 3
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke. 4
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You went to Canobie Lake Park or Whalom Park as a kid.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You do not recognize the letter ‘R’ as a part of the English language.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Your social security number starts with a zero.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what a ‘regular’ coffee is.
August Knock Knock Jokes: Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best Boston Red Sox jokes.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round. You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
Pope Jokes: What is the Pope’s favorite college in America?… “Mass” Maritime.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Springfield is located ‘way out west’.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn’t flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Billerica , Gloucester , Haverhill , Leominster , Peabody and Worcester.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Anyone you don’t know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Paranoia sets in if you can’t see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
Little League World Series Jokes: What team is most likely to get rained out at the Little League World Series?… BridgeWATER, Massachusetts.
Little League World Series Jokes: Knock knock?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe believe the talent on the Bridgewater, Massachusetts Little League baseball team?
When is the 1st Day of School?: Knock knock?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me when is the 1st day of school in Boston, Massachusetts?… The 1st day of school in Boston, Massachusetts is Tuesday, September 8, 2026.
When is the Last Day of School? Knock knock?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me when is the last day of school in Boston, Massachusetts?… The 1st day of school in Boston, Massachusetts is
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know there’s a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You order iced coffee in January.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know that the MBTA Purple Line will take you anywhere.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You love scorpion bowls.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what they sell at a Packie.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what First Night is.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus. Bonus: You know how to pronounce Seamus.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… McLobster=McCrap
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn’t count.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself, ‘Ah, screw them.’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
Boston Marathon Jokes: What is the worst US city to run a marathon?… Boston. It is the height of pollen season and it is in Mass “Achoo” setts.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The numbers ’78 and ’86 make you cringe.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve been to Good Time Charlie’s.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.. (… and they DO).
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You have never actually been to ‘Cheers.’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The words ‘ WICKED’ and ‘GOOD’ go together.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve been to Fenway Park.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve gone to at least one party at U MASS AKA ZOO MASS!
The cranberry farmer had a great sense of humor… he knew how to “juice” up the conversation!
When it comes to dining out, I always ‘grill’ for a good time!
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You own a ‘Yankees Suck’ shirt or hat.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what a Frappe is.
How do Massachusetts kids stay so fit?… They’re always running to catch the wicked good ice cream truck!
What did one Boston skyscraper say to the other?… “Stop looking down on me, we’re both just trying to reach new heights!”
I told my friend I was going to a Massachusetts music festival, and he said, “That sounds wicked fun!”
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve been to Hempfest.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know who Frank Averuch is.
Boston Marathon Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you believe in 2026 it will be the 130th Boston Marathon.
I told my friends I was going to Harvard, and they said, “That’s a smaaaaart move!”
Boston Marathon Jokes: 2025 Boston Marathon: Kenya believe Sharon Lokedi won her 1st Boston Marathon AND broke the course record by 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
Do you want to hear a joke about the Boston Marathon?…. Never mind… I’ll never finish it.
If you’re wicked smaht… You go to MIT!
What did Paul Revere say at the Boston Tea Party?… “The British are coming, and they’re bringing crumpets!”
Dog Jokes: How did the dog get from Boston to New York?… He took a Greyhound.
Fenway Park is a grand slam of a place to enjoy baseball!
Tourist: “Nice little town — so old and quaint. Must be a lot of odd characters around here, though, right?” Local: “Oh yes, quite a few. You see ’em around. But they’re mostly gone after Labor Day.”
Do you know what would be a great theme song for One Boston Day?… ONE by U2. Boston loves U2 and U2 loves Boston.
I wanted to go fishing in Cape Cod… but I couldn’t find my reel motivation.
I told my friend I was going to Cape Cod, and he said, “Seas the day!”
Why did the Cape Cod crab never share its food?… Because it was a little shellfish!
If you’re wicked smaht… You go to BC!
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe the name the #1 college hockey regular season tournament held in Boston, Massachusetts?
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe the name the 4 colleges that compete in #1 college hockey regular season tournament held in Boston, Massachusetts?
I don’t win marathons because I’m lucky… I win because I take public transportation, just take like Rosie Ruiz.
I told my friend I was going to the Charles River. They said, “Don’t get too tide up in the current events!”
What did Paul Revere say to his horse?… Giddyup, we have a revolution to start.
What did Paul Revere say to his fellow riders?… Let’s horse around.
Paul Revere’s horse was always ahead of the curve… He knew when to hoof it.
What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?… The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
Why did the Boston tea party get out of hand?… Because everyone was just trying to brew up some fun!
Little League World Series Jokes: 2025 Little League World Series: Which Little League World Series team was the friendliest?… Brain TREE, they were always branching off to meet new players.
Labor Day Jokes: Which 2025 Little League World Series team was a favorite of arborists?… Brain TREE.
Baseball Jokes: Why is Fenway Park the coolest place to be?… Because it’s full of fans.
My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts. “Mass mass mass murders.” they said.
Arbor Day Jokes: Brain TREE… the unofficial Little League World Series baseball team of Arbor Day.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, “I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?”
Why did the scarecrow win an award in Massachusetts?… Because he was outstanding in his field!
When autumn arrives… Massachusetts gets its “leaf” on!
The apples in Massachusetts said they were a-peeling to everyone this fall!
Autumn in Massachusetts is un-be-leaf-able with all the colors around!
The Massachusetts corn was so sweet… it made my heart pop!
ADVANCED: You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown 46.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You can complete the following: ‘Lynn, Lynn ……’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be Snows.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The TV weatherman is damn good if he’s right 25% of the time.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You never go to Cape Cod,’ you go ‘down the Cape ‘.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when…
You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know who Whitey Bulger is.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plimouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You remember Major Mudd.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what candlepin bowling is.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what candlepin bowling is AND who hosted it!
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know Scollay Square once stood where The Government Center is.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which…. Can you still hum the song from the end of Boom Town ?
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Calling Carrabba’s an ‘Italian’ restaurant is sacrilege.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your attic.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The only time you’ve been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn’t a surprise.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You call guys you’ve just met ‘Chief’ or ‘Boss.’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You refer to Savin Hill as ‘Stab ‘n Kill.’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve never eaten at Durgin Park , but recommend it to tourists.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You can’t look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… 11 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly’s Roast Beef!
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know that P-Town isn’t the name of a new rap group.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… People you don’t like are all ‘Bastids.’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve called something ‘wicked pissa.’
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ll always get razzed for Dukakis.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… No, you don’t trust the Gorton’s Fisherman.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know that Papa Gino’s usually has a jukebox.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know at least three Tony’s, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there’s no wind… then it gets wicked cold.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice ‘s Restaurant.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You know what the Combat Zone is. 94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left turn.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve bragged about the money you’ve saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You’ve been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual. You know you’re from Massachusetts when… Hearing an old lady shout ‘Numbah 96 for Sioux City means it’s time for steak.
You know you’re from Massachusetts when… You remember Jordan Marsh, Filene’s, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, and Ann & Hope.
At the Museum of Fine Arts, you’re bound to draw some inspiration from the exhibits!
I love Massachusetts in the fall—it’s “berry” nice to see all the harvests!
What did one Massachusetts leaf say to the other?… “I’m falling for you!”
Massachusetts in autumn is like a fine wine… it just gets better with age!
What’s a Massachusetts fisherman’s favorite type of music?… Anything with a wicked good bass line!
Massachusetts Jokes: The New England Revolution:.. The official MLS Soccer team of the American Revolution.
Music Jokes: What is a popular Chris Isaak song in Massachusetts?… Wicked Game.
Who stole the heart of Massachusetts?… Nan took it. (Nantucket)
Why did the Patriots fan bring a ladder to the game?… To reach new heights.
What did the witch say at the Salem trials?… “I’m just here for the ‘spell’-binding stories!”
Why did the Boston Red Sox bring a ladder to the game?… They wanted to reach new heights in the standings!
The Berkshires are a peak experience for nature lovers!
If you visit Plymouth Rock, just remember: it’s a solid foundation for American history!
The Boston Marathon is a great event… but it really gets me running in circles!
The hockey coach from Massachusetts told his team to stay focused, but they just kept getting “checked” out!
The baseball player from Boston was always in a good mood… he had a real “batter” outlook on life!
Super Bowl Sunday 49 States “Please pass the remote” Massachusetts: “Gimme the Clickah!”
Why did the football player start a gardening business?… He wanted to “tackle” the competition!
The Massachusetts golfer always wore a smile… he knew how to “putt” on a happy face!
Why did the lacrosse player get a promotion?… He always “passed” the ball with flying colors!
The tennis player from Massachusetts had a great sense of humor… she was always “serving” up laughs!
What do you call a Massachusetts museum that’s always busy?… A “Plymouth” of activity!
Why was the Bay State so good at telling stories?… Because it had a lot of “tales” from the Bay!
I’m just ‘pasta’-tively in love with the Italian food around here!
When I tried the baked beans… I knew I was in for a ‘bean’-anza of flavor!
The local apples are ‘a-peeling’ and perfect for cider!
What did the Revolutionary leader say at the meeting?… “Let’s ‘concord’ our differences and move forward!”
How did the Massachusetts colonists stay warm during winter?… They had a lot of “Mass” appeal with their cozy blankets!
This place serves up a ‘wicked’ good slice of pizza!
The cranberry harvest is truly ‘berry’ impressive!
Why did the Massachusetts farmer love history?… He enjoyed “cultivating” the past!
What did the historian say about the Massachusetts bay?… “It’s a shore thing when it comes to rich history!”
Don’t leaf me hanging… let’s explore the Foliage Trail!
I’m feeling a little crabby… but a trip to Cape Cod will shell-evate my mood!
I can’t bear the thought of missing out on a hike in the Berkshires!
This weather is un-be-leaf-able… perfect for a day at Walden Pond!
I’m feeling tree-mendously excited about our camping trip in the Berkshires!
I wood love to see the autumn colors in the Pioneer Valley!
It’s a shore thing that we’ll have a whale of a time at Martha’s Vineyard!
I’m on cloud wine after a day of exploring the Blue Hills!
If you think Boston baked beans are a little too sweet… you’re just not *bean* open-minded!
The Cape Cod beaches are so beautiful… they really shore know how to impress!
When visiting the Freedom Trail, remember to walk this way to history!
The Boston Tea Party was quite the brew-ha-haof its time!
My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts. “Mass mass mass murders.” they said.
The history teacher in Massachusetts always told the best tales, but they could get a little revolutionary!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his historic ride?… I’ve got to get a softer saddle!
Why did Paul Revere ride at midnight?… He wanted to avoid the morning rush hour!
Why was the Minuteman always calm under pressure?… He knew how to take things one “minute” at a time!
Tea Jokes: What did the colonist say when he found a great deal on tea?… I’m Boston this bargain!
What do you call a well-informed Massachusetts resident?… A Mass-ive history buff!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?… Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
The art teacher in Massachusetts always said, “Draw your own conclusions, but don’t color outside the lines!”
The USS Constitution is a ship-shape way to learn about naval history!
The ocean at Cape Cod was feeling blue… but it made waves of laughter anyway.
If you get lost in Salem, just witch your direction to the nearest landmark!
The Bay State may be small, but it sure packs a punch with its rich history!
Don’t clam up when you’re at the New England Aquarium… it’s a *fin-tastic* experience!
The Boston Public Garden is a blooming good spot for a leisurely stroll!
If the weather gets chilly, remember to layer up like a good Massachusetts winter!
If you visit Martha’s Vineyard… you’re sure to have a vine-tastic time!
The nature trails are so good, they ought to be illegal—let’s call them trail-blazing!
I’m not lion when I say the wildlife in Massachusetts is paws-itively amazing!
This is berry nice weather for a berry picking adventure in the North Shore!
I told my friend I was going to the Berkshires for fall. He said, “That sounds like a mountain of fun!”
I sea what you did there… planning a beach day at Nantucket!
Why did the math book go to school in Massachusetts?… Because it had too many problems to solve!
The chemistry teacher in Massachusetts had a great reaction to student questions… they always ignited curiosity!
What did the Revolutionary leader say at the meeting?… “Let’s ‘concord’ our differences and move forward!”
What’s a ghost’s favorite Massachusetts festival?… The Haunted Happenings in Salem — it’s to die for!
Why do Massachusetts pumpkins always tell the best jokes?… Because they’re so gourd-geous!
When the leaves fall in Massachusetts, they really know how to “leaf” it all behind!
Why did the Massachusetts student take a ladder to music class?… They wanted to reach new high notes!
The biology class in Massachusetts was so lively… it really had a cell-ebration going on!
What do you call a well-informed Massachusetts resident?… A Mass-ive history buff!
Why did the Boston tea party never run out of drinks?… Because they had plenty of “brew”-tality!
How do you describe a Massachusetts historian?… Someone who always “Mass-ters” the subject!
Why was the Minuteman always calm under pressure?… He knew how to take things one “minute” at a time!
The Bostonian baker had a lot of dough… but he kneaded more time to rise!
Why do Massachusetts students excel in science?… Because they always experiment with their learning!
When the lobster started a band… it became a real rock-lobster!
Why did the student bring a ladder to school in Massachusetts?… Because they wanted to go to high school!
Why did the cranberry go to the festival?… Because it wanted to be a little berry special in Massachusetts!
When the Massachusetts historian told a story… it was always a “wicked” interesting tale!
Although the world is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races… That Boston Marathon is awful, with Heartbreak Hill and the New England weather.
Boston Celtics Jokes: 2025 Playoffs: It is going to take a lot more than Magic (and a Jason Tatum wrist injury) for #7 Orlando to beat the #2 Celtics!
If you’re wicked smaht… You go to BU!
What has a mouth but cannot eat?…. Neponset River.
Did you hear about the power outage at the UMass-Boston library?… Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
The Boston Marathon is a run for your life… but the only thing I’m running for is a good time!
When it comes to the Salem Witch Trials… you could say they really brewed up some spirited events!
2024 NBA Finals: What would the Sons of Liberty say after the Celtics won the 2004 NBA Championship?… “Huzzah Mazulla!”
What do you call a bean that can’t stop telling jokes?… A pun-derful baked bean from Boston!
During the Boston Tea Party… they really knew how to make a splash in the harbor!
The Fall Foliage Festival is un-foliage-ably the best way to leaf summer behind!
Why was the scarecrow invited to every Massachusetts event?… He was outstanding in his field of fun!
College Football Jokes: Knock knockout?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe name the NESCAC football rivals that play in “The Biggest Little Game in America?”
ESPN Rivalry Week: Knock knockout?…Who is there?… Canoe… Canoe Who?… Canoe name the teams in the NESCAC Little Three Rivalry?
Massachusetts Jokes:Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe name the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy? (USS Constitution)
Massachusetts Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me the nickname for the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy? (“Old Ironsides”)
Massachusetts Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me the war that the USS Constitution AKA “Old Ironsides” fought in?
Massachusetts Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me the launch date of the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy? (October 21, 1797)
Massachusetts Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me the location of the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy? (Charlestown Navy Yard, Boston, Massachusetts)
Massachusetts Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe name the author who wrote the poem “Old Ironsides” that led to the preservation of the ship in the 1830s? (Oliver Wendell Holmes)
Massachusetts Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe name the poem written by Oliver Wendell Holmes) that helped lead to the preservation of the ship in the 1830s? (“Old Ironsides”)
Arbor Day Jokes: 2025 Little League World Series: Brain TREE… the unofficial Little League World Series baseball team of Arbor Day.
The Plymouth Harvest Festival is a-maize-ing… it really knows how to ear up the fun!
Why did the clam refuse to share its treasure?… Because it was a little shellfish!
I asked the Massachusetts farmer how his crops were doing… and he said they were “berry” good!
The local Boston artist was so passionate about his work… he couldn’t help but draw a crowd!
The Cape Cod fisherman was always great at catching a big one – he really knew how to reel in the compliments!
The Boston tea party was such a hit that it brewed up a lot of excitement!
Did you hear about the basketball player from Massachusetts who always knew where he was going?… He had a great sense of “court” direction!
Why did the swimmer from Cape Cod always take a towel to the pool?… He didn’t want to get “board” while waiting to dive in!
The Massachusetts hockey player was such a great cook that he always knew how to “sauce” the game!
Why are the Boston Celtics such great musicians?… They know how to “dribble” and “shoot” their way to the top of the charts!
Boston Celtics Jokes: What Celtics Legend is most likely to pay for dinner?… John “I’ll” Havlicek.
If you’re wicked smaht… You go to Northeastern!
What music is blaring at the most difficult part of the Boston Marathon?… Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at Heartbreak Hill. Stevie Nicks can be heard singing “Stop Dragging My Heart Around.” (Music Jokes)
I visited a museum in Massachusetts and found it very art-iculate in its presentations!
Why do Massachusetts drivers have trouble finding parking?… ‘Cause they can’t get past the “Pahk”ing stage!
What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?…The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?…The Americans licked the British. (Top 4th of July Jokes)
How did American colonists’ dogs protest against England?… The Boston Flea Party. (Top 4th of July Jokes)
What do you call an American revolutionary who draws cartoons?…Yankee Doodler. (Top 4th of July Jokes)
What’s it called when the Boston Symphony Orchestra does well?… A well-orchestrated performance!
What was the Patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?…Chicken Catch-a-Tory! (Top 4th of July Jokes)
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?…Because the horse was too heavy to carry! (Top 4th of July Jokes)
Why can fish measure distances so well?… Because they have their own scales.
What rock do Massachusetts geologists play with the most?… Plymouth Rock.
Did you hear about the power outage in the Boston library?… Thirty people were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
What’s the capital of Massachusetts?… M.
What do you call an ape from Massachusetts?… A Boston gorillier!
What did the sea say to the South Shore?… Nothing, it just waved!
Boston Celtics Jokes
What do Larry Bird and a map key have in common?… Both are legends. (Top Geography Jokes)
Did you hear about the map that was mugged?… It was rolled by the map librarian.
How did the geography student drown?… His grades were below C-level. (Top Teacher Jokes)
What has a mouth but can’t eat?… The Neponset river!
What is a nautical chart’s best pitch?… The depth curve. (Top Baseball Jokes)
Where do you find the Atlantic Ocean without water?… On a map! (Top Geography Jokes)
What is the tallest building in the Massachusetts?… The Boston Public Library of course, it has the most stories!
Where do Boston fish keep their money?… In the riverbanks of the Charles River.
Why does the Tom Brady know all the map symbols?… Because he’s a legend.
What goes hundreds of miles and never moves?… The Massachusetts Turnpike!
What projection is used to map the distribution Phillips Candy House chocolate?… The Bonne-Bonne (bon bon) projection. (Top Geography Jokes)
What’s in the middle of the (Atlantic) ocean?… Letter E! (Top Geography Jokes)
What do Bobby Orr and a map key have in common?… Both are legends. (Top Geography Jokes)
Teacher: Where were you born? Student: Boston. Teacher: Which part? Student: What do you mean, ‘which part’? My whole body was born in Boston! (Top Teacher Jokes)
Why don’t you see penguins New England Aquarium in Great Britain?… Because they are afraid of Wales! (Top Geography Jokes)
What is in the middle of Springfield?… The letter ‘G’! (Top Geography Jokes
If a plane crashed on the border of Massachusetts and Connecticut, where would they bury the survivors?… You wouldn’t bury them anywhere because survivors are the people who lived! (Top Geography Jokes)
What runs but never goes out of breath?… The Merrimack River! (Top Geography Jokes)
Cape Cod Jokes Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best Cape Cod jokes.
Why did the lobster blush?… Because it saw the bay and couldn’t clam down!
When the black bear went to college, he became a real “bear-itone” in wildlife studies.
The Massachusetts deer always felt “fawn-tastic” when roaming the woods.
When the Massachusetts moose joined the band, they said he had great “antler” rhythm!
The Massachusetts whale was always “whale-y” excited to swim in the Atlantic.
What did the Cape Cod Canal say to the Bourne Bridge?… Nothing it waved!
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a Chatham Great White Shark for biting all his limbs off?… He didn’t have a leg to stand on!
What is the best way to communicate with a fish on Cape Cod?… Drop it a line!
Where do Cape Cod fish work?… The Offish!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?… Because they spend years at C! (Top Pirate Jokes)
Why did the Cape Cod fisherman start doing drugs?… Pier pressure!
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship near Nantucket Sound?… All the sailors were marooned.
Why don’t Island Creek Oysters give to charity?… Because they’re shellfish!
What did one Cape Cod National Seashore wave say to the other wave?… Nothing. It just waved.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?… Because they dropped out of school. (180 School Jokes)
Which fish is the most famous in Cape Cod?… The star fish!
What did the Cape Cod beach say to the wave?… “Long tide, no sea.”
What did the Chatham shark plead in the murder case?…Not gill-ty!
What is the strongest creature in Cape Cod Bay?… A mussel!
Which bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean?… Christopher ColumBUS. (Columbus Day Jokes)
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Cape Cod National Seashore?… It gets wet.
What happens when you throw a red rock into the Cape Cod National Seashore?… It sinks to the bottom.
What did Cinderella wear when she went swimming in the Cape Cod National Seashore?… Glass flippers.
What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool?… Show me your mussels.
What does a Cape Cod National Seashore mermaid wear to maths lessons?… An algae-bra. (Top Algebra Jokes & 101 Pi Day Jokes)
Where does seaweed look for a job?… In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads.
What lies of the coast of Cape Cod and twitches?… A nervous wreck.
What happened to the Chatham shark that swallowed a bunch of keys?…It got lockjaw.
Why does the Cape Cod National Seashore wear seashells?…Because she grew out of her B-shells!
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?…The Codfather.
A Cod walks into a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”
What puts the white lines on the Atlantic ocean?… An ocean liner.
Why did the New England lobster blush?… Because the sea weed!
Have you heard about the Boston restaurant that caters only to dolphins?… It only has 1 customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
What has no beginning, end or middle & touches every continent?… The Atlantic Ocean. (World Oceans Day Jokes)
Who is a Crayola crayon’s favorite NBA coach of all-time?… Red Auerbach. (Crayon Jokes)
Who is the National Audubon Society‘s favorite NBA Player of all-time?… Larry Bird. (Bird Jokes)
2025 March March Madness Jokes: The Boston Celtics had TWO Big Threes… Xavier has the Three Musketeers.
2024... Another banner year in Boston!
2024 NBA Finals: June 17th, 2024: Boston Three Party. December 16, 1773: Boston Tea Party.
2024 NBA Finals: What is Derrick White’s favorite Christmas song?… All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. (Christmas Jokes)
The Cambridge Science Festival is a blast… it really knows how to “cell-ibrate” discovery!
Why do Massachusetts students love field trips?… They really know how to take learning to the next level!
2008 NBA Finals: Celtics fans to the Los Angeles Lakers… You can’t handle “The Truth.”
2024 NBA Finals: Derrick White was amazing… “You can’t handle the Tooth”
What NBA team has the best floral arrangements?… The Boston Celtics. They play at the TD Garden. (Massachusetts Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: How was the Boston Celtics 2024 NBA Championship Parade?… Just ducky! Cue The Ducks (Duck Jokes)
Who is the most honest player in the history of basketball?… Paul “The Truth” Pierce.
Did you know the Celtics nutritionist does not recommend butter ever. His choice…. parkay.
What Boston Celtic legend would make a great bartender?… Kristaps Porziņģis.
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: Hey Kyrie…. BYE rie!
Who is the most musical Celtic of all-time?… DJ Johnson. (365 Music Jokes)
1981 NBA Champions: If Cedric Maxwell played in the NBA today… He would get a MAX contract!
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: To honor Red Auerbach, what Pink Floyd song did they play in the locker room while sipping champagne and celebrating?… Have a cigar. (365 Music Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the nickname of Larry Bird when he played for the Boston Celtics? (Massachusetts Jokes)
1986 NBA Champions: What was the favorite TV show of the 1986 Celtics?… The Waltons.
What is Jason Tatum’s favorite Beach Boys song?…. Little Deuce Coupe. (365 Music Jokes)
What is the official snake of the Boston Celtics?… The White Mamba. (Snake Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the name of the youngest coach to win an NBA Championship?… Bill Russell. (34)
Did you hear the joke about Berkshire Mountains?… You won’t get over it.
What goes hundreds of miles and never moves?… The Massachusetts Turnpike!
Boston Marathon Jokes: 2025 Boston Marathon: Kenya believe Sharon Lokedi broke the Boston Marathon women’s course record by 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
2025 Boston Marathon: Kenya believe the top two women’s runners were from the SAME country?
Boston Celtics Jokes: What kind of toothpaste does Derrick White use?… Crest 3D White.
Boston Celtics Jokes: “I have two college degrees, four honorary doctorate degrees, and am in three Halls of Fame, and the only thing I know how to do is teach tall people how to put a ball in the hole.” Red Auerbach (Graduation Jokes)
Boston Celtics Jokes: What is Red Auerbach’s favorite Pink Floyd song?… Have a cigar. (365 Music Jokes)
Boston Marathon runners with bad footwear… suffer the agony of defeat.
Boston Celtics Jokes: You know what is no joke?… The number of NBA titles the Boston Celtics have won. (NBA Basketball Jokes & NBA Champions)
Boston Marathon Jokes: Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best Boston Marathon jokes.
The colonists were brewing a revolution… one cup at a time.
Why did the colonists throw the tea overboard?… They couldn’t handle the steep price!
What is the #1 #hotel for runners of the Boston Marathon?… Heartbreak Hotel.
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe the name two senators from Massachusetts?
What’s the most popular tourist attraction in Massachusetts?… A Dunkin’ Donuts store
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe the name governor from Massacusetts?
A Boston Marathon book never written: “The Boston Marathon” by Will E. Makit.
If the Boston Celtics were chasing the Boston Red Sox team, what time would it be?… Five after nine. (9:05)
What do you get if you cross Paul Revere with a cheetah?… The fastest midnight ride!
What does a MIT grad call a Harvard grad in 5 years?… Boss!
Why do Massachusetts folks pour their beer into a mug?… Because it’s the only way to get a head on a Sam Adams!
The history of Massachusetts is truly a ‘beacon’ to behold!
What did Massachusetts see?… Same thing Arkansas.
Why do Massachusetts golfers always carry around two pairs of pants?… In case he got a hole-in-one
What’s the main difference between Harvard and Yale?… The spelling!
Why do Massachusetts golfers always carry around two shirts?… In case he got a hole-in-one.
Why do Massachusetts golfers always carry around two pairs of socks?… In case he got a hole-in-one.
Why do Massachusetts love sunrises?… Because it means the world has one more day to see how great [state] is.
If you’re looking for a good time in Massachusetts, just remember: it’s a bay-mazing place to be!
I was going to tell you a joke about the Charles River… but it’s just too fluid for words!
My friend loves to skate in Massachusetts, especially on the frozen ponds—it’s his ice-olated happy place!
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe name the state flower of Massachusetts?
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe name he state bird of Massachusetts?
Why did UMass disband its water polo team?… All the horses drowned.
Why did the Bostonian go to study philosophy?… He wanted to know the “idea” behind an “idear!”
Why do Massachusetts people make terrible bakers?… They always burn the Boston cream pies!
Why did the scarecrow move to Massachusetts?… Because it wanted to be outstanding in its “field”… of dreams?
Boston Celtics Jokes Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best Boston Celtics basketball jokes.
In Massachusetts, the ‘pahk’ the car is just the beginning of a great adventure!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse?… To warn Boston that the clam chowder was too hot!
Why did the ghost relocate to Salem?… He wanted to get in touch with his inner witch!
Why was the math book from Cambridge sad?… Because it had too many problems!
Why don’t they have ice in Massachusetts’ bars?… Who needs ice when it’s snowing outside!
Why was the computer cold in Massachusetts?… It left its Windows open!
Why did the lobster refuse to share?… Because it was a little shellfish, just like our Boston seafood!
When the witch tried to make her spell book more interesting… she added a little Salem spice!
Did you hear about the Boston Marathon runner who always had a good sense of humor?… He knew how to make a quick punchline!
Why did the cookie go to therapy?… Because he felt crummy after leaving Boston without eating a cannoli!
When I visited Cape Cod… I found it to be quite the shore thing for a getaway!
Why do people in Massachusetts always carry a pencil?… In case they need to draw a line at traffic in Boston!
I asked a Massachusetts farmer how he grows such great apples, and he said, “It’s all in the cultivar!”
Why do Massachusetts residents make great comedians?… Because they know how to deliver a punch from any angle!
Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you name the only brothers to win the Boston Marathon?
Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you name the first wheelchair division champion in the Boston Marathon?
In Massachusetts, we don’t just have the Red Sox… we have a whole line-up of pun-derful players!
Why did the Massachusetts baker have a great reputation?… Because he always kneaded the dough!
What do you call a very small mother from Boston?… Minimum!
2024 Boston Marathon: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you believe the 2024 Boston Marathon Women’s finish?… Hellen Obiri battled until the end to beat Sharon Lokedi.
I tried to start a band in Massachusetts, but it turns out we just couldn’t find the right groove in the Bay State!
I asked my friend if he wanted to join the Boston Tea Party… but he said he was already steeped in work.
When it comes to tea… the colonists really knew how to steep things up!
I told my tea about the Boston Tea Party, and it said, “That’s steep!”
The Boston Tea Party really steeped up the competition!
When the British found out about the tea party, they said, “What a steep way to protest!”
The tea leaves at the Boston Tea Party were all about that revolutionary blend!
At the Boston Tea Party… everyone was steeped in rebellion!
Massachusetts is a great place to find your ‘bay’ of happiness!
When traveling through Massachusetts, I always ‘cape’ my expectations high!
What happens when you miss a joke about Massachusetts?… You’re wicked “smaht”!
What did the Massachusetts cranberry say to the blueberry?…. “You’re berry special to me!”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs in the Charles River?… To stop their nuts from getting wet!
Why did the Red Sox fan carry a ladder?… To get over the high walls of Fenway Park!
What’s the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog and a Fenway Park hotdog?… You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October!
Why is it easy to have a catch in Massachusetts? Because it’s really hard to drop the ball when you’re always wearing mittens!
Why are there such hard spelling words in Massachusetts? With towns like Worcester, Leicester, and Haverhill, you need an A+ in spelling, trust us!
How do you know spring has arrived in Massachusetts?… The rain gets warmer!
What’s Massachusetts’ favorite national holiday?… Patriots’ Day, of course!
Why don’t tornadoes hit Big Papi’s house?… They’re scared of Grand Slams!
Why are there so many roundabouts in Massachusetts?… Because not even the roads can make up their mind!
Why do Bostonians make terrible soccer players?… Because every time they get a corner, they open a Dunkin’ Donuts!
Why did the Massachusetts lobster get a job?… Because it wanted to shell out some cash!
Why do ducks fly over Massachusetts upside-down?… Because there’s nothing worth crapping on!
What do you call a sophisticated person from Boston?… A rare species!
What’s the difference between a Boston Terrier and a bench?… A bench can support a family of four!
What do you get when you mix a Texan with a Bostonian?… A cowboy who complains about the weather!
Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?… Because he heard someone had stolen a base!
Why don’t Massachusetts people play hide and seek?… Because nobody will hide, they all want to seek!
Why did the Bay Stater bring a ladder to the bar?… Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
How do you make a Boston cocktail?… Mix two parts Sam Adams with one part Dunkin’ Donuts coffee!
Why did the Bostonian bring his cat to the game?… He heard the Red Sox were playing catch!
How do you know you’re a true Red Sox fan?… You think pinstripes are a fashion faux pas!
Why did the Massachusetts resident go broke?… They invested all their money in chowder stocks!
What did the cop say to the speeding Massachusetts driver?… “This isn’t the Boston Marathon!”
Why is it called Massachusetts?… Because “Massive-two-hits” didn’t have the same ring to it!
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe believe we have 100 Massachusetts jokes?
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe believe we have 101 Massachusetts jokes?
Why did the Bay Stater bring a ruler to bed…? He wanted to see how long he slept!
Why did the Paul Revere statue refuse to move?… Because he was tired of galloping around!
How do you get a Bostonian to shut up?… Put a Dunkin’ Donuts menu in front of them.
What’s a Bostonian’s favorite instrument?… The “pahk”ing meter!
What do penguins wear on their heads?… Ice caps. (Top Winter Jokes)
What do you call a cat from Cape Cod?… A purrsimmon!
2008 NBA Finals: Who is the geography teacher’s favorite Celtics coach of all-time?… Doc Rivers. (Geography Jokes)
How do the Boston Celtics feel about having a leprechaun as a mascot?… Lucky! (Leprechaun Jokes)
Retired Celtics, like everyone, watch a lot of TV these days, NetFlix, Hulu, HBO… I don’t know why. They just never seem to pay for Showtime.
2024 NBA Finals: After Kyrie Irving stomped on the center court Celtics logo he was 0 – 13 against the Celtics… not so lucky I guess. (his 1st win was game #14.)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: What Tom Petty song could Al Horford relate to when he became the NBA player with the most playoff games (186) before becoming an NBA Champion… The Waiting (is the hardest part) (365 Music Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: Why was the Massachusetts State Police looking for Jaylen Brown and Jason Tatum?… They are “partners in crime.” (Police Jokes)
2024 Finals: Who is the 2024 NBA Finals Crayola MVP?…. Derrick White or Jaylen Brown. (Crayon Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the names of the two youngest coaches to win an NBA Championship?… Bill Russell (34) and Joe Mazzulla (35).
I know why the Boston Celtics picked the them of “Different Here” for the 2024 NBA Playoffs… They talk different. Just ask a Celtics’ fan to say “Park the car in Harvard Yard!” (Massachusetts Jokes)
Why do the Celtics go to Miami?… To beat the heat. (Florida Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: Can you believe the Celtics flew to Miami after winning the NBA Title?… I guess it is not THAT big a deal. There are at least 18 reasons to look the other way. (Florida Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the name of the only NBA player who won 2 NBA titles with different teams and it was his 1st year with each team?… Jrue Holiday. (2024 Boston Celtics & 2021 Milwaukee Bucks)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: Final play of the season: June 21st Backdoor cut to the Seaport District for cornhole at Cisco Brewery.
2024 NBA Finals: What Jimmy Buffett song did the Celtics fan love to hear following the devastating defeat in Dallas (122-84) on Friday June 14th?… Come Monday. (365 Music Jokes) (The Celtics won their 18th NBA title on Monday June 17th.)
What does Cedric Maxwell put on his Cornbread?… Not butter, parkay.
What song do die hard Celtics refuse to listen to?… Bad Boys (the Theme of Cops) by Inner Circle. (365 Music Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the how many NBA titles Red Auerbach won as a coach of the Boston Celtics? (NBA Champion Coaches)
What owner of the Boston Celtics do crayons adore?… Walter Brown. (Crayon Jokes)
What is Dave Cowens’ favorite type of gum?… Big Red. (Gum Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the nickname of Shaquille O’Neal when he played for the Boston Celtics?
USA Men’s Basketball 2024 Olympic Team: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the names of the 3 Celtics from the 2024 Championship team who played on the Olympic team in Paris?… Jason Tatum, Jrue Holiday, Derrick White.
1986 NBA Finals: What type of entertainment did the 1986 Celtics hate?… Any type of Magic show. (Magic Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: Hey Kyrie, since we won that championship you promised us, we won’t chant “Kyrie Sucks” ever again… … Just (“Jason”) Kidding.
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the how many NBA titles Red Auerbach won as a coach of the Boston Celtics? (NBA Champion Coaches)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: We were really scared after the Game 4 blowout… Just (“Jason”) Kidding.
Joe Mazulla took the Boston Celtics on a hike to climb a mountain during the layoff before the 2024 NBA Finals … He wanted them to have a higher basketball IQ. (NBA Basketball Jokes)
1981 NBA Finals: How did Cedric Maxwell celebrate his 1981 NBA Finals MVP trophy?… With his favorite side dish, Cornbread.
2024 NBA Finals: What is Boston Celtics least favorite American TV show?… Dallas. (Texas Jokes & Movie Jokes)
Everyone was sad when Bill Walton passed on May 27th, 2024. Everyone except…. The Grateful Dead. (365 Music Jokes)
What was the original Boston Celtics Big Three’s favorite TV show?… McHale’s Navy.
2024 NBA Finals: Where does Payton Prichard practice shooting?… Way downtown.
What basketball player does the Royal Family love?… Isaiah Thomas, the King of the 4th. (King Jokes)
Who would be a better Celtic car salesman?… Chris Ford of M.L. Carr. (Car Jokes)
What former Boston Celtics basketball player would be a great spokesperson for National Taco Day?… Tacko Fall. (Basketball Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me Paul Pierce’s nickname?
Did you know Bill Russell had a HUGE growth spurt?… His family gave him a nickname… Russell Spouts. (Farming Jokes)
Who is a dairy farmer’s favorite Celtic of all-time?… Dave “Cow” ens.
(Cow Jokes)
What former Boston Celtics basketball player would be a great spokesperson for Autumn in New England?… Tacko Fall. (Basketball Jokes)
Who is a Native American’s favorite Celtic of all-time?… Robert “the Chief” Parish.
2024 NBA Finals: December 16, 1773: Boston Tea Party. June 17th, 2024: Boston Three Party. (American Revolution Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: D White…. He can sure play D and shoot the 3.
What a great honor to see the Celtics wear the tie-dye WALTON warm-ups in honor of basketball legend Bill Walton who passed on May 27th, 2024. Everyone was so happy…. Especially The Grateful Dead and all the Deadheads fans. (365 Music Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals All-Crayola Team: Boston Celtics: Jaylen Brown, Derrick White Dallas Mavericks Greg Brown III, Josh Green.
What Pink Floyd song do the Celtics play when they win an NBA title in honor of is Red Auerbach?… Have a cigar. (365 Music Jokes)
What is Cedric Maxwell’s favorite side dish?… Cornbread.
Who is a Crayola crayon’s favorite NBA GM of all-time?… Red Auerbach. (Crayon Jokes)
Who is a butcher’s favorite Celtic of all-time?… Dave “Cow” ens. (Cow Jokes)
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the names and numbers for the retired jerseys for the Boston Celtics?
The leaves fall in autumn in New England. Can you guess their favorite Celtic of all-time?…. Bill Russell. (Fall Jokes)
Why did Payton Prichard get arrested?… He shot the ball. (Police Jokes)
2024 Finals: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe tell me the name of the first player born in Latvia to win an NBA Championship? (Kristaps Porzingis)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: Hey Dallas, Great competitive series… Just (“Jason”) Kidding. (Celtics won with a Gentleman’s Sweep 4 – 1)
What is Red Red Auerbach’s favorite type of gum?… Big Red. (Gum Jokes)
What is Dave Cowens’ favorite type of gum?… Big Red. (Gum Jokes)
2024 NBA Finals: Boston Celtics: Jrue Holiday…. is a TRUE 2-Time NBA Champion.
Boston Marathon Jokes Did you hear about the Boston Marathon runner who ran for three hours but only moved two feet?… He only had two feet!
What do Boston Marathon runners do when they forget something?… They jog their memory.
How do you know if someone ran the Boston Marathon?… Don’t worry, they’ll tell you!
I didn’t run the Boston Marathon in 2018…. I didn’t run the Boston Marathon in 2019… I didn’t run the Boston Marathon in 2020. I’ve never run the Boston Marathon in my life. This is a running joke.
I met a guy from the Middle East after the Boston Marathon. I asked him if he walked it. No, he said… Iran.
I treat everyday like I’m running the Boston Marathon tomorrow… I rest, don’t run and load up on carbs.
Summer 2026: Why did the Red Sox shut down their website in 2026?… They weren’t getting too many hits.
Heat Wave Jokes: Summer 2026: The Boston Red Sox… The official team of the heat wave.
Crayon Jokes: Crayola… an unofficial sponsor of the Boston RED Sox!
2026 Red Sox picther Sonny Gray… makes opposing hitters feel blue.
Boston Celtics Jokes: The #1 Day in Boston Sports… Marathon Monday… The Red Sox at Fenway… The Celtics and Bruins in the playoffs… and the oldest marathon with the top runners in the world!
Jokes for the 1st Day of School: On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Janie, why didn’t you raise your hand?” “Because I’m not a Yankees fan,” she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?” “I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it,” Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. “Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?” “Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan too!” “Well,” said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?” “Then,” Janie smiled, “I’d be a Yankees fan.”
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe you name the Red Sox Triple Crown Winners?
- Ted Williams (1942): Batted .356, hit 36 home runs, and drove in 137 runs.
- Ted Williams (1947): Batted .343, hit 32 home runs, and drove in 114 runs.
- Carl Yastrzemski (1967): Batted .326, hit 44 home runs, and drove in 121 runs during Boston’s “Impossible Dream” pennant season.
- Jimmie Foxx (1933): Batted .356, hit 48 home runs, and drove in 163 runs while playing for the Philadelphia Athletics prior to joining Boston. (Note: Foxx won his Triple Crown in 1933 before debuting with the Red Sox in 1936.)d Williams (1942): Batted .356, hit 36 home runs, and drove in 137 runs.
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe you name the Red Sox Cy Young Winners?
- Jim Lonborg: 1967
- Roger Clemens: 1991, 1987, 1986
- Pedro Martinez: 2000, 1999
- Rick Porcello: 2016
Who was the most annoying Red Sox player of all time?… Johnny Pesky.
What do you call a fan who loves to watch the Red Sox from the center field and right field sets?… A Bleacher Creature!
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe you believe the 2026 Red Sox tied a franchise record 15 consecutive wins. The 1946 Red Sox also accomplished this impressive feat! The longest winning streak in MLB history is 26 consecutive games, set by the New York Giants in 1916.
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe you believe the 2026 Red Sox had the best month in franchise history in July 2026?… They went 21-4 for an .840 winning percentage.
Boston Red Sox Jokes:
Who is a carpenter’s favorite Red Sox player of all-time?… Ted Williams, the Splendid Splinter.
Red Cross… the unofficial sponsor of Curt Schilling’s Bloody Red Sock!
Music Jokes: 2026 Boston Marathon = A Meatloaf Marathon: “Two out of three ain’t bad.” A Celtics playoff win over the 76ers. A Red Sox win over the Detroit Tigers. A Bruins loss to the Sabres.
Patriots’ Day Jokes: Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you name the Massachusetts holiday that coincides with the Boston Marathon AND the Red Sox have a morning start?
American Revolution Jokes: How did Wally the Green Monster celebrate the 2026 All-Star Game in Philadelphia?… He dressed as Wall Revere!
Sesame Street Jokes: Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe who?… Canoe you tell me some nicknames for David Ortiz?… “Big Papi” is by far the most popular, Cookie Monster, Señor Octubre.
Music Jokes: Knock knock?…Who is there?… Noah… Noah Who?… Noah Kahan was inducted into the Fenway Music Hall of Fame on July 11, 2026, after becoming the first artist to headline four consecutive sold-out shows at Boston’s Fenway Park.
Crayon Jokes: Crayola… the unofficial sponsor of the Green Monster.
What do Ted Williams and a map key have in common?… Both are legends.
Boston Celtics Jokes: If the Boston Celtics were chasing the Boston Red Sox team, what time would it be?… Five after nine. (9:05)
What do David Ortiz and a map key have in common?… Both are legends.
Labor Day Jokes: What do the Boston Red Sox and lawn furniture have in common?… They both fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day!
Did you hear the one about Grady Little’s lawn? He didn’t cut it all summer. He couldn’t get the mower to work… Seems he didn’t know how to pull the starter.
Hot Dog Jokes: What’s the difference between a Fenway Park hot dog, and a Yankee Stadium hot dog?… You can buy a Fenway Frank in October!
Why did the police officer go to the Fenway Park?… Someone stole second base!
What is the difference between a Boston Red Sox fan and a pot hole?… I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!
Why did Fenway Park build seats over the Green Monster?… So Bucky Dent could find his home run balls.
What’s the difference between dirt and the Boston Red Sox?… Nothing…they both always get swept.
What’s the difference between the Boston Red Sox and the Boston Strangler?… One chokes only in October.
Why doesn’t Connecticut have a professional baseball team?… Because then Massachusetts would want one.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives… The other 9 percent are Boston Red Sox fans.
Did you hear the joke about the Boston Red Sox baseball?… It will leave you in stitches!
What is the difference between Rick Porcello and a professional bowler?… A professional bowler knows how to throw a strike.
Boston Red Sox Jokes:
A father and son are outside Fenway Park, and the young son is asking his father to buy him a “Yankees Suck” T-shirt. The father hesitates, but finally tells his son, “You can have the shirt if you promise never to say that word.” “That’s right,” says the T-shirt vendor, wanting to make the sale. “‘Suck’ isn’t a very nice word.” “No,” replies the father. “I meant the word ‘Yankees.’”
What do Grady Little and Don Zimmer have in common?… Neither one can take out Pedro!
Why is Halloween the Boston Red Sox favorite holiday?… It’s the only thing in October they have to look forward to!
What do the Boston Red Sox and Billy Graham have in common?… They both can make 40,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”
Why is Boston’s monster green?… Envy from Yankee wins.
What’s the difference between a Fenway Park hot dog, and a Yankee Stadium hot dog?… You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October!
What did the Dustin Pedroia’s baseball glove say to the ball?…”Catch ya later!”
Four baseball fans – a Cubs fan, a Cardinals fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan – are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Cubs fan insists he is the most loyal. “This is for the Cubs!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Cardinals fan shouts, “This is for the Cardinals!” and throws himself off the mountain. The Red Sox fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, “This is for everyone!” and pushes the Yankees fan off.
Which Boston Red Sox baseball player holds water?… The pitcher.
What is a Boston Red Sox fan’s favorite whine?… “We can’t beat New York.”
What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?… Cheat-o’s.
Why are some umpires fat?…They always clean their plate!
How do you make a Red Sox fan laugh on Monday?… Tell him a joke on Friday!
Why are spiders good baseball players?… Because they know how to catch flies!
Why are baseball games at night?… Because bats sleep during the day! (Bats at the Beach is a Great Summer Book!)
Did you hear about the Boston Red Sox action figures?… They were recalled for being choking hazards.
What are O.J. Simpson’s favorite baseball teams?… The Red Sox and the Dodgers.
Why are the Boston Red Sox starting pitchers like orphans?… Because they don’t know where home is!
Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?… They had pictures of Red Sox players on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Why did Ted Williams wear old stockings when he played?… They had runs in them!
Why did Brock Holt bring string to the game?…. So he could tie the score if he had to.
What do average Red Sox fans get on their I.Q. tests?… Lots of drool.
Who would be the best choice as a Red Sox relief pitcher?… The mummy – because he knows how to wrap up.
Why should you take Chris Sale camping with you?… To pitch the tent.
What do Red Sox ballplayers do when their eyesight goes bad?… They get jobs as an umpire.
What’s does a dirty floor and the Boston Red Sox opponents have in common?… They both get swept.
Why are some Fenway Park umpires overweight?… They always clean their plate.
Why did Alex Cora want spiders to play for the Red Sox?… They know how to catch flies.
Why did the police officer go to Fenway Park?… Someone stole second base!
Which superhero did the Red Sox try to sign as their designated hitter?… Batman.
What’s the silliest song to sing at Fenway Park?… “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” because everyone is already there!
What do young Red Sox fans like about going to the park?… The swings.
Why did Alex Cora only want frogs in the outfield?… They never miss a fly.
What’s did Cy Young and a professional bowler have in common?… You can count on them both to throw strikes.
What happens to a Boston player who breaks the rules?… They get a penal-TEA.
What runs around a Fenway Park’s field but never moves?… A fence
Where did the Red Sox baseball player wash his pants?… In the bleachers.
Why are Boston Red Sox players so rich?… Because they play on diamonds.
Baseball
Whats the difference between Boston Red Sox fans and mosquitos?… Mosquitos are only annoying during the summer.
What’s the difference between a Red Sox fan and a baby?… Babies stop whining after a little awhile.
What do the Boston Red Sox oppoents and lawn furniture have in common?… They both fold in October.
How often do Sox players call each other during the off-season?… They touch base every once in a while.
What does Alex Cora (Red Sox manager) and Alex Trebek have in common?…. Both of their jobs are in Jeopardy.
Why are centipedes not allowed to play for the Boston Red Sox?…. It takes too long to put their cleats on.
How do you know when a Red Sox pitcher is having a bad day on the mound?… When the crowd starts to sing “Take Him Out of The Ball Game.”
Where shouldn’t a Boston Red Sox pitcher ever wear red?… In the bull pen.
What do you get when you cross a tree with a Boston Red Sox baseball player?… Babe Root.
How is the Boston Red Sox roster similar to a pancake?… They both need good batters.
What has 18 legs and catches flies?… The Boston Red Sox.
How do Boston Red Sox fans get down from the bleachers?… They don’t – you can only get down from a goose.
Did you hear the joke about the Boston Red Sox baseball?… It will leave you in stitches.
Where do Boston Red Sox players go when they need new uniforms?… New Jersey.
Why do people like driving a car with a Red Sox fan?… Because you can park in the handicap zone!
What do the Red Sox’s stink?… Because they have Stinky Buchholz.
What song do Boston Red Sox fans sing before the bottom of the ninth inning?… Nobody knows. There’s never any of them left.
What is the difference between the Boston Red Sox and a mosquito?… A mosquito stops sucking.
Why does David Ortiz hate Steroids in baseball?… Because his drug of choice is gravy.
What do the Boston Red Sox and possums have in common?… Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
What does the Boston Red Sox manager and Alex Trebek have in common?… Both of there jobs are in Jeopardy.
What is the difference between a Red Sox fan and a baby?… The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Did you hear the Boston Red Sox are moving to the Phillipines?… They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!
What do I have in common with the Boston Red Sox?… This fall, we’ll both be watching the World Series on television.
What do Michael Jackson and the Boston Red Sox infielders have in common?… They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.
Albert Einstein is at a party and he’s surrounded by a small crowd of admirers. He introduces himself to the first member of the group, and asks, “What is your IQ?” The man answers, “191.” “Wonderful!” says Einstein. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!” Albert then turns to a woman and asks, “What’s your IQ?” She responds, “123.” “Ah!” says Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We, too, have much to discuss!” Einstein then notices a third member of the group and again inquires about the man’s IQ. This time the answer is “62.” The great physicist ponders for a moment, then brightens and says, “GO YANKEES!”
How many Boston Red Sox does it take to change a tire?… One, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up.
What do you call 40 millionaires around a TV watching the World Series?… The Boston Red Sox.
How can you tell if a Red Sox fan just sent you a fax?… There’s a stamp on it!
How do you stop a Boston Red Sox fan from beating his wife at checkers?… Dress her in New York Pinstripes!
You’re trapped in a room with a Lion, a rattlesnake, and a Red Sox fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the Red Sox Fan…….Twice!
What does an Boston Red Sox fan do when his team has won the World Series?… He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Did you hear that Bostons’s baseball team doesn’t have a website?… They can’t string three “Ws” together.
How many Boston Red Sox fans does it take to change a lightbulb?… None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!
What does a Boston Red Sox fan and a bottle of beer have in common?… They’re both empty from the neck up.
Why do Boston Red Sox fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?… So they can park in handicap spaces.
What do you call a Boston Red Sox in the World Series?… An umpire.
What do you call a Red Sox player with a World Series ring?… A thief.
Why can’t the Boston Red Sox use the internet?… Because they can’t get 3 W’s in a row.
Did you hear that Fenway Park had to be resodded?… Thats really sad when you can’t even get your own grass to root for you!
Can a Boston Red Sox pitcher drive a stick?… Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in a Red Sox jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store. They put a Red Sox jersey on it and now it sucks again.
Why did the Boston Red Sox fan cross the road…..I was thinking when I accelerated.
Police in Boston responded to a call of a vehicle break-in. The owner of the vehicle said he two tickets to a Red Sox game on his dash and someone busted his window and left two more Red Sox tickets.
Is There Baseball In Heaven? Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90′s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.” The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.” “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching on Wednesday.”
Have you ever seen a line drive?… No but I have seen a baseball park!
“Did you hear the joke about the fast pitch?”… ”Forget it. You just missed it.”
“Did you hear the joke about the pop fly?”… “Forget it. It’s way over your head.”
Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park?… Because of all the Giant Fans!
What’s the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog, and a Fenway Park hotdog?… You can buy a Fenway Frank hotdog in October!
Which takes longer to run: from first to second base or from second to third base?… From second to third base, because there is a shortstop in the middle
Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”…“Roof,” the dog barked. Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels….“Rough.” He still wasn’t convinced. “O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog….“Ruth.” With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: “Was it Hank Aaron?”
Where did the baseball player wash his socks?… In the bleachers.
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” “Right after the national anthem.”
What would you get if you crossed a pitcher and the Invisible Man?… Pitching like no one has ever seen.
Which superhero is the best at baseball?… Batman.
What cartoon character is the best at baseball?… Homer Simpson.
How do baseball players keep in touch?….They touch base every once in a while.
What has 18 legs and catches flies?…A baseball team!
Why do girls like baseball?… It’s the only sport played on a diamond!
“Why do we sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when we’re already there?”
Why are frogs good outfielders?… They never miss a fly.
Why was Cinderella so bad at baseball?…She had a pumpkin for a coach.
What is a baseball player’s favorite thing about going to the park?… The swings!
A book never written: “How to Be a Better Baseball Player” by Ben Schwarmer.
What do you get when you cross a tree (Top 10 Arbor Day Jokes) with a baseball player?… Babe Root.
Why are singers good at baseball?… Because they have perfect pitch!
Do you know what cupcakes & a baseball team have in common?… They both count on the batter!
What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a monster?… a double header! (101 Halloween Jokes)
What are the rules in zebra baseball?… Three stripes and you’re out.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team?… She ran away from the ball.
What do baseball players use to bake a cake?… Oven MITTS, BUNT pans and BATTER.
A book never written: “The Quickest Baseball Game” by Earl E. Wynn.
Why don’t baseball players join unions?… Because they don’t like to be called out on strikes.
Why is Fenway Park the coolest place to be?… Because it’s full of fans.
How is a baseball like a pancake?… They both need a good batter.
Why did the baseball player shut down his website?… He wasn’t getting any hits!
Son: Dad, what does a ballplayer do when his eyesight starts going bad? Dad: He gets a job as an umpire. (Top 10 Father’s Day Jokes)
I have a dream, it’s not a huge dream, just a little dream. I dream about making fresh squeezed juice for the good people of Boston. I want to open a Juice Bar on Yawkey way and name it: “Big Papi Juiced Bar”
Where does a baseball player go when he needs a new uniform?… New Jersey (New Jersey teachers are great tutors!)
Riddle: A man leaves home, makes a left turn, makes another left, then another left turn and goes home again. When he gets home there are two men wearing masks waiting for him. Who are they?… The catcher and the umpire.
Baseball Riddle: “Why is it called the World Series if only North American teams can play?”
Why did the baseball player bring a pacifier to the game?… He wanted to play like the Babe.
Why don’t matches play baseball?… One strike and your out!
Manager: Our new infielder cost $10 million. I call him our “Wonder Player.”… Every time he plays, I wonder why I bothered to get him.
What do baseball players eat on?… Home plates.
What is the difference between a boy who is late for dinner and a baseball hit over the fence?… One runs home and the other is a home run.
Why are baseball players so rich?… Because they play on diamonds!
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he pitches?… If he raised both legs, he would fall down.
One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?” Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”. The teacher replies, “Very good, Billy!, now can anyone tell me were Detroit is?” Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!” The teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, “Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?” The teacher says, “OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?” “Last place.”
What animal is best at hitting a baseball?… A bat!
Where do coal diggers play baseball?… In the miner (minor) leagues.
How can you pitch a winning baseball game without throwing a ball?… Only throw strikes.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?… The pitcher kept throwing screwballs.
If a basketball team were chasing a baseball team, what time would it be?… Five after nine. (9:05)
Where does a catcher sit for dinner?… Behind the plate.
Did you hear the joke about your pitching style?”… ”Never mind. It’s foul.”
Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow. One guy looks up at it and says, “Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series.”
What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?… One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?… The fence!
You are locked inside a car with nothing but a baseball bat. How do you get out?… Unlock the door, of course!
Why couldn’t the fans get soda pop at the double header?… Because the home team lost the opener.
Why don’t orphans play baseball?… They don’t know where home is.
There once was a pitcher so bad, the crowd started singing Take Him Out of The Ball Game!
Which baseball manager’s last name is Italian for ‘a long-bladed weapon of war?’ Tommy Lasorda
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Jose… Jose who? Jose can you see be the dawn’s early light.
Why did the baseball team hire a cook?… They needed a good batter.
One hit struck a chicken… Now that was a real “fowl ball!”
What do you get if you cross a lizard with a baseball player?… An outfielder who catches flies with his tongue.
Little League Vampire: Dad, what’s the best way to hold a bat?… Father Vampire: By the wings, son. (Top 10 Father’s Day Jokes)
Why did the Brookside Angels have a ghost on their team? To add a little team spirit. (101 Halloween Jokes)
Where can you find the largest diamond in the world?… On a baseball field.
Why was the mummy sent into the game as a pinch hitter?… Because the manager knew, once he sent the mummy in the game would be all wrapped up.
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “”Very well, But you realize that we’ve got all the good players, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and the best coaches.” The devil snickered, “I know, and that’s all right, We’ve got all the umpires.”
Which baseball manager was arrested for arson as a teenager and retains his jailhouse nickname to this day?… Sparky Anderson
Which baseball players is a fruitarian?… Darryl Strawberry
Why did the police arrest the baseball player?… He stole 3rd base!
What do you get when you cross a baseball pitcher with a carpet?… A throw rug.
The pitcher really had good control today… Didn’t miss a bat for three innings!
If brownie mix is on first base, pudding on second, and cookie dough on third base, who is hitting at the plate?… The cake batter.
Knock – knock… Who’s there?… Uriah…Uriah who?… Keep Uriah on the ball.
Knock – knock… Who’s there?… Phillip… Phillip who?… Let’s phillip the bases.
A baseball scout found a remarkable prospect–a horse who was a pretty good fielder and who hit the ball every time he was up at bat. The scout got him a try-out with a big league team. Up at bat, the horse slammed the ball into far left field and stood at the plate, watching it go. “Run!” the manager screamed, “Run!” “Are you kidding?” answered the horse. “If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby.”
What happens to baseball players who go blind?… They become umpires.
What do Jose Offerman and Michael Jackson have in common?… They both where a glove for no apparent reason.
Why couldn’t Robin play baseball?… He forgot his bat, man.
Why is it always cool at a baseball game?… Because that is where all the fans are!
MLB is deciding whether or not to reinstate Pete Rose in the 2014 season. When asked about it, Rose said, “I hope they do, cause I’ve got $50 riding on it.”
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started…….the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts” And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem …he yelled, “Down Nuts”. And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts”. They all brokeout into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts!!!” and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked,” What in the world happened? “The assistant replied, “Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!
Why did the vampire strike out?… He used the wrong bat!
How is a baseball like a waffle?… They both need a good batter.
Why is hotter after a baseball game?… All the fans have left.
When should baseball players wear armor?… When they play knight games
When did the baseball team tie up the game?… five to five (4:55) or 10 to 10 (9:50)
Why didn’t the Confederate soldier want to go to the baseball game?… He heard the Yankees were playing. (Top Social Studies Jokes)
When is a baseball player like a spider?… When he catches flies.
Why is a baseball umpire like an angry chicken?… They both have foul mouths!
What is the difference between baseball and law?… In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. “Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?” ”The Red Sox.”
“Why’s that?” “Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I’m a Red Sox fan too.”
“That’s not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?”
“No, that would make me a Yankees fan!”
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?… In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Three old ladies are at their first baseball game. The friends are drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels and the bottle is now almost gone. What inning is it, and how many are on base… Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded.
Why was the mummy sent into the game as the closer?… Because the manager knew, once he sent the mummy in the game would be all wrapped up.
During a baseball game in Redmond, John was Redmond’s lead-off batter. There were no substitutions or changes in the Redmond batting order at all during the nine-inning game. John came to bat in every inning. What is the least number of runs Redmond could have scored?… Zero. In the first inning John and the next two batters walk and the next three strike out. In the second inning, the first three walk again, which brings John back to bat. But each runner is caught off base by the pitcher, so John is back at the plate at the start of the third inning. This pattern is now repeated until the game ends.
A man takes a baseball and throws it as hard as he can. There is nothing in front, behind, or to either side of him, and yet the ball comes back and hits him square in the face. How can this be?… He threw the ball up.
Two baseball teams play a game. The home team ends up winning, but not a single man from either team has touched a base. How can this be?… The teams were all-women.
A man is trapped in a house without windows, doors, or any other way of exiting. The house is collapsing, and the man has only a baseball and a bat. How does he escape the fire?…. He swings at the air three times (‘cause it’s one, two, three strikes and you’re out!).
What are OJ’s favorite baseball teams?… The Red Sox and the Dodgers.
What is the difference between Mel Rojas and UPS?… UPS knows how to throw a strike.
Why do you need to take a baseball player with you when you go camping?… To pitch the tent.
Where is the largest diamond in New York City kept?… In Yankee Stadium.
What is the best advice to give a young baseball player?… If you don’t succeed at first, try second base.
Why was the piano tuner hired to play baseball?… Because he had perfect pitch.
What are the best kind of stockings for baseball players to wear?… Stockings with runs in them.
Why did the Yankees play in Jellystone Park?… Because Yogi wasn’t allowed to leave the park.
What famous Greek might have invented baseball?… Homer.
Two baseball teams played a game. One team won but no man touched base. How could that be?… It was a girls’ baseball team.
Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts If it’s a success, he’s going to write books on the other counties.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, “I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?”
What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?… A Cape Cod Piece.
Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state. Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut’s many passing lanes.

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