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Tag: Psychology Jokes

  • Psychology Jokes

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    1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best psychology jokes.
    2. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (Pavlov’s Dog Experiment: Amazing Nobel Prize Psychology Lesson!)
    3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
    4. Dog #1: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Dog #2: No but it makes my mouth water.
    5. One behaviorist meets another one on the street. He says, “Hi. How am I feeling today?”
    6. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant. “What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer. “Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.” “Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.” “Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said. “By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer. “Applied psychology.”
    7. Skiing Jokes: A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, “So, how did it go?” “Fine,” she replied, “but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slip.”
    8. Retirement Jokes: What did the hippocampus say when it retired?… “Thanks for the memories.”
    9. Patient: “Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me.” Psychologist: “What do you mean by that?”
    10. What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?… A magician pulls. rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
    11. Labor Day Jokes: Why did the can crusher quit this job?… It was soda pressing.
    12. Barber Jokes: Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?… Classical conditioning.
    13. Pavlov’s dog to his lady friend: “See that! Every time I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook.”
    14. Receptionist to psychologist: “Doctor, there’s a patient here who thinks he’s invisible.” “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
    15. Alaska Jokes: Why did the glacier in Alaska go to therapy?… It had a meltdown.
    16. What profession truly enjoys fruitcakes?… Psychiatrists.
    17. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?… Just one, so long as the light bulb “wants” to change.
    18. “After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.” “What did he say?” “”No hablo inglés.””
    19. Cheese Jokes: Why does cheese look normal?… Because everyone else on the plate is crackers. 
    20. Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for men than for women?… Because when it comes to going back to childhood, men are already there.
    21. At a job interview for a new receptionist: “I see you used to be employed by a psychologist. Why did you leave?””Well, I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional.” (Top Summer Jobs for Teachers)
    22. A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless.” Poof! He’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone. “You’re next,” the genie says to the professor. The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”
    23. Cheese Jokes: What do you call cheese that is acting crazy?… A basket queso. 
    24. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!” The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what *that* was all about?”
    25. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, “My God! Whoever did this really needs help!”
    26. One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After telling him his troubles, the man says, “So doc, what’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “Well, you’re crazy.” Indignant, the man replies, “I am not, I want another opinion.” To which the doctor replies, “OK… You’re also ugly.”
    27. Hurricane Jokes: I always get a little sad during hurricane season… …you could say I have tropical depression.
    28. Hurricane Jokes: Hurricanes are very… depressing.
    29. Hurricane Jokes: Why did the hurricane go to therapy?… It had too much internal pressure.
    30. Watermelon Jokes: Why are watermelons the saddest fruit?… They are melon-cholic.
    32. Lord of the Rings Jokes: I used to be addicted to Lord of the Rings… But then I kicked the hobbit.
    33. Why did the liberty bell go to therapy?… Because it had some serious cracks in its life!
    34. Music Jokes: What song is on every psychiatrist’s playlist?… Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne.
    35. What do you call sad coffee?… Despresso. (Top Coffee Day Jokes)
    36. Music Jokes: What Jimmy Buffett song is on every psychiatrist’s playlist?… Fruitcakes.
    37. Dog Jokes: What do you call a large dog that meditates?… Aware wolf. 
    38. Dog Jokes: What do you call it when a stressed dog goes shopping?… Re-tail therapy.
    39. Dog Jokes: How did the little Scottish puppy feel when he saw a monster?… Terrier-fied!
    40. Watermelon Jokes & Dog Jokes: What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?… A Melon Collie.
    41. Music Jokes: What song is on every psychiatrist’s playlist?… Crazy by Seal.
    42. Why was Pavlov’s dog’s hair so soft?… Classical conditioning.
    43. Why did King George III go to therapy?… He had a tax-ing problem.
    44. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?… Just one, but it’ll need nine more sessions.
    45. Dog Jokes: Why were the fleas depressed?… Their whole town was going to the dogs.
    46. Dog Jokes: The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs. After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds… They will be subma-weiners. 
    47. Why did the ship go to therapy?… It had too many pier pressure issues.
    48. Patient: “Doctor, I feel like such a failure.”… Psychologist: “Anyone who can pay my fees is certainly not a failure.”
    49. What do you call a snowman who loves the Summer Solstice?… A melt-down waiting to happen!
    50. The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.  Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”  A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?” (Top Basketball Jokes)
    51. Music Jokes: What song is on every psychiatrist’s playlist… Lunatic Fringe by Red Rider.
    52. Music Jokes: What band is on every psychiatrist’s playlist… Crazy Town.
    53. Music Jokes: What Prince sone is on every psychiatrist’s playlist… Let’s Go Crazy.
    54. I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite… I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
    55. Dog Jokes: What did the therapy dog say to her client?… “That’s ruff.”
    56. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?… Well, how many do you think it takes?
    57. Tea Jokes: Why did the British soldiers go to therapy?… They couldn’t handle the constant “tea”-sing from the American patriots!
    58. How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?… Just one. All he has to do is to hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
    59. What’s the difference between a loan and a psychologist?… The loan eventually matures and earns money.
    60. What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?… If you say, ‘I hate my mother’, a psychiatrist will ask, ‘Why do you say that?’, whereas a psychologist will say, ‘Thank you for sharing that with us.’
    61. Chocolate Chip Cookie Jokes: Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies… After they get baked, they’ll crumble easily.
    62. Why is the depression rate so high for US sailors?… Because they have the Navy blues.
    63. Why did the ship take up meditation?… To stay centered.
    64. How do you measure a Navy ship’s happiness?… In nauti-cal smiles.
    65. Labor Day Jokes: I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.
    66. Hurricane Jokes: A hurricane is very… depressing.
    67. Lord of the Rings Jokes: What do you call a reference to the Eye of Sauron?… An optical allusion. 
    68. Lord of the Rings Jokes: What do you call introverted hobbits?… Shyer folk.
    69. Lord of the Rings Jokes: Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth. “Why would you ever do such a thing!” He exclaimed. “Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven’t been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crystal,” said Frodo. “That’s it!”, said Gandalf. “I’m opening up a rehabilitation center. When I come back in a year, this had better be cleaned up!” A year passes and Gandalf returns. Alas, the hobbits are strewn about with their spoons and needles. Gandalf scoffs, “Breaking Bad Hobbits is going to be harder than I thought.” 
    70. Lord of the Rings Jokes: It’s a hobbit… I watch the Lord of the Rings movie.
    71. What do kind of coffee goes well with a fruit cake?… Despresso.
    72. Camping Jokes: Why did the tent break up with the camper?… It found someone more supportive!
    73. Watermelon Jokes: Why did the watermelon go crazy?… He lost his rind.
    74. Watermelon Jokes: Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit… Cause they’re like, “Watermelons”
    75. Lord of the Rings Jokes: I was once obsessed with “The Lord of the Rings”. The books, the movies, the collectables, everything… Finally I was able to kick the hobbit. 
    76. Chocolate Chip Cookie Jokes: Raisin cookies that look like Chocolate Chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues!
    77. Lord of the Rings Jokes: What’s wrong with staying up late to watch Lord of the Rings movies?… It’s a bad hobbit.
    78. Why did the submarine go to therapy?… It had deep-seated issues.