My Town Tutors

Turtle Jokes

Written by

Mark Molloy

in

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  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best turtle jokes.
  2. How do you become the #1 page for turtle jokes?…  Very slowly. 
  3. If the Ninja Turtles moved to Alaska… they’d live in Seward.
  4. What does a turtle do on it’s World Turtle Day?… It shellebrates! 
  5. I’m not an animal rights activist or anything… but I think it is pretty messed up that there are sweaters from turtle necks. 
  6. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” 
  7. A turtle walked into a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out… It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me! 
  8. What happens when you bring a turtle to a World Turtle Day party?… It becomes a shellebration. 
  9. To do list 1. Buy a turtle 2. Name it ‘The speed of light’ 3. Be able to honestly say I can run faster than the speed of light.   
  10. What is a turtle’s favorite basketball drill for defense?… The shell drill. 
  11. Indy 500 Jokes: What was the snapping turtle doing at the Indianapolis 500?… About 1 mile per hour.  
  12. We love @AlbertTortoise @usatf! How do you make a turtle fast?… Don’t feed it!  #turtles #TheOlympics #WorldTurtleDay 
  13. We love @AlbertTortoise @photography! What do you call a turtle who loves #photography?… A snapping turtle.  #turtles #puns #WorldTurtleDay #photos
  14. Check out @AlbertTortoise @NieRReinEN! I was a turtle in my past life… It’s slowly coming back to me.  #turtles #reincarnation #WorldTurtleDay 
  15. We love @AlbertTortoise @RollingStones @RollingStone! What is a turtle’s favorite song?… Gimme Shell ter by the #RollingStones!  #turtles #music #WorldTurtleDay
  16. We love @pragmaticmom @shannonmmiller @ALALibrary! I’m looking for a #book about #turtles… I think it is a hard back.  #puns #books #read #reading #BackToSchool #BackToSchool2024 #WorldTurtleDay
  17. We love @WeAreTeachers @AlbertTortoise! I used to have a teacher called Mrs. Turtle… Strange looking woman but she #tortoise well.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #puns #teaching
  18. We love @JCrew @AlbertTortoise! What do you get if cross a #Turtle with a #Giraffe?… A Turtle-Neck!  #turtles #fall #giraffes
  19. We love @WorldTurtleDay @AlbertTortoise! My uncle died from a turtle stampede… It was a slow death.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  20. We love @UofMaryland @AlbertTortoise! What #college #sports team do #turtles cheer for?… #Maryland #Terrapins.  
  21. Follow @AlbertTortoise @WorldTurtleDay @tortoiserescue! What was the snapping turtle doing on the highway?… About 1 mile per hour!  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  22. My pet turtle died. I’m not upset… just shell-shocked.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #pets
  23. We love @AlbertTortoise @ATT! What do #turtles use to communicate?… A shellphone!  #WorldTurtleDay
  24.  A great school is @UofMaryland! @Amtrak What do you call a truck-load of #tortoises crashing into a train-load of #terrapins?… a turtle disaster.  #WorldTurtleDay #trains #turtles #Maryland
  25. We love @nytimes @nytimesbooks @AlbertTortoise! Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?… It was a New York Times’ Best Sheller!  #WorldTurtleDay #books
  26. We love @AlbertTortoise! The gun fight between the #turtles and #tortoises was barbaric!… Empty shells everywhere.  #WorldTurtleDay #GunControl
  27. We love @AlbertTortoise! I got invited to a #costume #party, so I went as a turtle… I had a shell of a time.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #puns
  28. We love @NakedAndAfraid @Discovery @AlbertTortoise! If a turtle loses it’s shell is it naked or #homeless?  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  29. My friend and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday… It #tortoise nothing.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #puns
  30. We love @AlbertTortoise! What kind of #photos does a turtle take?… Shellfies.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #photography
  31. We love @TDBank_US @tortoise! What happens when your #kids want to buy a #tortoise?… You shell out a lot of #money.  #moms #dads #turtles #WorldTurtleDay 
  32. We love @DairyQueen! Where does a turtle go during a #blizzard?… A shell-ter.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay 
  33. We love @ATT! Why did the turtle go to AT&T… because he couldn’t sprint.  #moms #dads #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #track
  34. We love @AlbertTortoise! Did you know turtles have the ability to understand #puns?… I wish they would have tortoise that in school.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  35. We love @gbchefs! What do you call a turtle #chef?… A slow- cooker.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #chefs #cooking
  36. We love @PorcupineTree @WorldTurtleDay @tortoiserescue! What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?… a slow-poke.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  37. We love @TV! I don’t let my pet turtle watch #TV… I guess you can call it sheltered.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  38. We love @AlbertTortoise! What kind of jokes do #turtles tell?… Shell-larious ones.  #turtle #WorldTurtleDay
  39. What do you call a famous #turtle, like @AlbertTortoise?… A shellebrity.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  40. A big grey elephant was drinking out of a river when he saw a snapping turtle lying asleep on a log. The elephant walks up to the turtle and kicks it over the river to the other side. “Why did you do that?” asked a nearby beaver. “I remember that this little thing took a bite out of me 50 years ago,” exclaimed the elephant. “Wowsers, that is some memory!” said the beaver. “Indeed,” said the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
  41. What’s a turtle’s favorite sandwich?… Seanut butter and jelly-fish.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  42. We love @TDBank_US! What do sea turtles use for #money?… Sand dollars.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay 
  43. We love @MassiveTortoise! My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle… Strange name, but she #tortoise well.  #WorldTurtleDay #turtles
  44. We love @AlbertTortoise! Where do you send turtles who #commit crimes?… To the shell-block.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #crime
  45. We love @AlbertTortoise @SongsofJBrowne @Shell! Why did the turtle cross the main road?… To get to the Shell station. He was #running on empty!  #turtles
  46. What did the #snail say when it was riding on the turtle’s back?… Weeeeeee!  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #snails
  47. Did you know that sea turtles can also squirt #ink?… Just Squidding!  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #Squid
  48. What do you get if you cross a #turtle with a #giraffe and a #kangaroo?… A turtle neck jumper.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  49. We love @RazorWorldwide! How did the turtle beat the hare?… It used a razor.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  50. How did the turtle get off his back?… He rocked and rolled!
  51. Why is turtle wax so expensive?… Because their ears are so small!  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  52. We love @AlbertTortoise @McDonalds! Why can’t a tortoise eat McDonald’s food?… Because, it is too slow for #fastfood!  #WorldTurtleDay 
  53. I spent the whole day trying to carve the #NinjaTurtles out of wood… But just ended up with a load of Splinters.  #WorldTurtleDay 
  54. A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw…. He said, “I’m not sure, it all happened so fast.”  #WorldTurtleDay #turtles
  55. What happens when you bring a turtle to a party?… It becomes a shellebration.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  56. What do you call #turtles who are only awake during the night time?… Noc-turtles.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  57. What does a turtle do on it’s #birthday?… It shellebrates!  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  58. Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle and one snail turns to the other and says “Hold on, friend. Here we go!”
  59. What happens to a turtle when it dies?… It goes into riga-tortoise.
  60. What happened to the turtle who wanted to go to #college?… His #parents had to shell out a lot of #money.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  61. What is a Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?… Peanut butter and jellyfish. 
  62. What did the cow say to the turtle?… Get a moove on!
  63. There are two #turtles in a #tank… one says to the other, “how do you drive this thing?”   #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  64. What’s a turtle’s go-to romantic move?… Slow #dances.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #dancing
  65. What kind of photos does a turtle take?… Slowfies.
  66. What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?… You get shell shocked.
  67. I walked into my local bookshop last week and queried if they had any books about my favorite animals which are turtles. The bookshop lady asked “hard back?” I replied “yep with small heads”
  68. Why do teenage mutant Ninja Turtles hate office work?… Because they can’t stand The Shredder.
  69. We love @AlbertTortoise! Knock Knock… Who’s there?… Candice… Candice who?… Candice turtle walk any faster?  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #walking
  70. We love @ConstructionMag! What should a turtle wear for safety when on a #construction site?… A shellmet.  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay #homeimprovement 
  71. What do you call a sea turtle that flies?… A shell-icopter!
  72. We love @AlbertTortoise! Where do #turtles go on #vacation?… The #Tortugas of course!  #turtles #WorldTurtleDay
  73. We love @AlbertTortoise! What did the turtle do when he won the race?… He shellebrated!  #turtles 
  74. We love @hotheadburritos @AlbertTortoise! What did the taco say to the turtle?… I like your shell.  #turtles #tacos
  75. We love @AlbertTortoise! What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?… A slow-pork.  #turtles 
  76. We love @AlbertTortoise! Why do #turtles never forget?… Because they have #turtle recall.  #memory
  77. We love @AlbertTortoise! Where do #mud #turtles keep their #money?… In the riverbank. 
  78. What does a turtle need to ride a #bike?… A shellmet  #turtles #bikes
  79. We love @AlbertTortoise! What did #turtle say to the #taco?… My shell or yours?  #turtles #tacos
  80. We love @AlbertTortoise! The #ninja #turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair… The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides. 
  81. We love @AlbertTortoise! What do you call a tortoise that is electrocuted?… Shell shocked.  #turtles 
  82. We love @AlbertTortoise! What do you call it when a group of #turtles just won’t get along?… Reptile disfunction.  
  83. We love @AlbertTortoise! A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The #police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said I don’t know, it happened so fast.  #turtles
  84. We love @SpfldMuseums! Don’t trust the Yertle the #Turtle… he’s always trying to shell out a bad deal.  #turtles #DrSeuss
  85. We love @AlbertTortoise @wsl! What did the turtle say to the #surfing turtle?… You’re turtally wicked!  #turtles 
  86. We love @AlbertTortoise! Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about #turtles? https://bit.ly/31UAiA
  87. We love @AlbertTortoise! Where does a #turtle go when it’s #raining?… A shell-ter. https://bit.ly/31UAiA #turtles 
  88. We love @AlbertTortoise! What kind of jokes do #seaturtles tell?… Shell-arious ones! https://bit.ly/31UAiA #turtles 
  89. We love @AlbertTortoise! What’s a turtle’s favorite snack?… Snap-peas! https://bit.ly/31UAiA #turtles
  90. We love @AlbertTortoise! What kind of #turtles and are easy to see?… Green See Turtles. https://bit.ly/31UAiA #SeaTurtles #oceans
  91. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… #June who?… June know how to tell a good turtle knock-knock joke? https://bit.ly/31UAiA #SeaTurtles #oceans #turtles
  92. We love @AlbertTortoise! What do #turtles do on #snowdays?… They go #sledding in their shells! #snowday https://bit.ly/31UAiA #SeaTurtles #oceans #turtle
  93. We love @AlbertTortoise! What’s a turtle’s favorite Shakespearean line?… “Shell I compare thee to a summer’s day?” https://bit.ly/31UAiA #SeaTurtles #oceans #turtle #Shakespeare #reading #books
  94. We love @AlbertTortoise @INDEPENDENCENHP! What’s red, white, blue, and green?… A patriotic turtle!  #turtles #sschat 
  95. We love @AlbertTortoise! Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… #June who?… June know any good turtle knock knock jokes?  #turtles #sschat 
  96. We love @AlbertTortoise! What’s a turtle’s favorite game?… Beakaboo.  #turtles #games
  97. What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?… They have shell-a-bration!
  98. Turtle Pun: “That’s turtle-rific!” 
  99. Turtle Pun: “Shell we dance?” 
  100. Turtle Pun: “Slow and steady wins the race!” 
  101. Turtle Pun: “I’ve got a shell of a plan!”
  102. Turtle Pun: “Let’s come out of our shells!”
  103. Sorry @Wendys @McDonalds @BurgerKing @MassiveTortoise! I was told to stop eating #fastfood… I now just eat #turtles.  #moms #dads #turtles #WorldTurtleDay 
  104. I told a turtle joke… but it didn’t come out of it’s shell.
  105. Why did the turtle cross the road?… To get to the shell station!
  106. What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?… A 6-foot turtle.
  107. What does a turtle do during winter?… Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
  108. Where does a turtle go when during a hurricane?… A shell-ter.
  109. Why did Leonardo put his head in a piano?… Because he wanted to play by ear.
  110. What do you call a turtle that that keeps pooping everywhere?… Turdel.
  111. How did turtle Elvis get off his back?… He rocked and he rolled.
  112. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe spell turtle? (Canoe Jokes) 
  113. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe feed my turtle? (Canoe Jokes) 
  114. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me your turtle’s name? (Canoe Jokes) 
  115. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe buy me a turtle name? (Canoe Jokes) 
  116. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me how long a turtle lives? (Canoe Jokes) 
  117. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me how much a turtle weighs? (Canoe Jokes) 
  118. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe tell me how much a turtle costs? (Canoe Jokes) 
  119. Why do turtles never play poker?… They hate to shell out money.
  120. What’s a turtle’s favorite instrument?… The shell-o! 
  121. What do you get when you cross a turtle and a Covid shot?… A slow-poke. 
  122. What do you get when you cross a turtle and a flu shot?… A slow-poke. 
  123. What do you get when you cross a turtle and a shingles shot?… A slow-poke. 
  124. Where do you find a leg-less turtle?… Wherever you left it! 
  125. What happened to the turtle who wanted to go to prep school?… His parents had to shell out a lot of money. 
  126. What happened to the turtle who wanted to go to a private high school?… His parents had to shell out a lot of money. 
  127. Why is a tortoise not able to stand up?… Because they have a reptile dysfunction. 
  128. What did the turtle say when the frog jumped out from behind a bush?… “Oh, you sturtled me!”
  129. What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Giraffe?… A Turtle-Neck (Giraffe Jokes for Kids)
  130. Why can’t a tortoise eat McDonald’s food?… Because, it is too slow for fast food! (Fast Food Jokes)
  131. What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?… a slow-poke. (Porcupine Jokes for Kids)
  132. Why did the turtle cross the main road?… To get to the Shell station. He was running on empty!
  133. What happens when your kids want to buy a tortoise?… You shell out a lot of money.
  134. How did the turtle get off his back?… He rocked and rolled!
  135. What did the turtle say to the surfing turtle?… You’re turtally wicked!
  136. What do turtles use to communicate?… A shellphone!
  137. What does a turtle do on it’s birthday?… It shellebrates!
  138. What kind of photos does a turtle take?… Shellfies.
  139. What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?… a turtle disaster.
  140. What kind of turtles and are easy to see?… Green See Turtles. (Ocean Jokes)
  141. Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?… To the shell-block.
  142. Why is turtle wax so expensive?… Because their ears are so small! (Biology Jokes for Kids)
  143. What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?… A 6-foot turtle.
  144. What happens when you bring a turtle to a party?… It becomes a shellebration.
  145. What did the cow say to the turtle?… Get a moove on! (Cow Jokes for Kids)
  146. What do you call a famous turtle?… A shellebrity.
  147. What is a Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?… Peanut butter and jellyfish.
  148. What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?… You get shell shocked.
  149. What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell?… Shell-arious ones!
  150. What does a turtle need to ride a bike?… A shellmet.
  151. What do you call a sea turtle that flies?… A shell-icopter!
  152. What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?… A slow-pork. (Pig Jokes for Kids)
  153. If a turtle loses it’s shell is it naked or homeless?
  154. What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?… They have shell-a-bration!
  155. Why did the turtle cross the road?… To get to the shell station!

PG-13

  1. What did turtle say to the taco?… My shell or yours?

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