Funny Grandparent Jokes for Kids

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Knock knockout?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best grandparent jokes!
Chocolate Chip Cookie Jokes: My grandmother bakes chocolate chip cookies the fastest… It literally takes her nana-seconds.
The World’s Best Basketball Jokes: “Grandpa you have March Madness teeth!… You are down to your Final Four!”
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?… Instagram.
Teacher Jokes for September: After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back & earned her very first diploma……I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony. She said depends.
A CNN reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandma “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
Thanksgiving Jokes: Grandma was showing us a painting of the Pilgrim Family on Thanksgiving card. She commented, ‘The Pilgrim children enjoyed going to church with their moms & #ads & praying to God.’ My brother looked at her doubtfully & asked, ‘Then why is their father carrying that rifle?’
A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Cemetery Jokes: Today I went to visit my dead grandparents at the cemetery but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb… It was a grave mistake.
Christmas Jokes: A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
How was grandmother’s 90th birthday party?… It was an emotional moment for all of us, even the cake was in tiers.
These grandparent jokes never get old!
Do you think these grandparent jokes are geting old!
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
What do you call a grandpa whale?… A hunch back whale!
Which relative chimes at you every hour?… A Grandfather Clock!
My grandparents bought a new China set. They asked me what I thought of it… I said it was fine.
Wizard of Oz Jokes: Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren, smiles warmly “When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.”
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
Labor Day Jokes: My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” Sam Levenson
What do people call grandfather clocks?… The old-timers.
My grandpa said he was built upside down… his nose runs & his feet smell.
What’s the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant & your grandma’s cooking?… At an all-you-can-eat restaurant, you decide when you’re full.
Who will you call to bake the tastiest apple pies?… Granny Smith.
Why do people give a shout-out to their grandpa on their birthdays?… Because that is the only way grandpa can hear them.
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” … “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans…. Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they?
Labor Day Jokes: What did grandma say about her career as a young girl?… “I worked at the shoe showroom, and then they gave me the boot.”
Mom, what is it like to have the best child in the world?… I don’t know, go ask your grandparents!
A 2nd grader came home from school & said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today… it’s simple. You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
When my grandson and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, my grandson whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
My grandpa told me when he was small the alphabet only had 25 letters… Nobody knew Y.
I went to a cemetery today with my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”
How did Grandma describe her cataract surgery?… It was an eye-opening experience for her.
My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday… Until she pasta-way.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60….. Now he’s 97 years old & we don’t know where he is.
A fire truck zoomed past with a a Dalmatian dog in the front seat! Kids started discussing the dog’s duties. “Keep crowds back”… “He’s just for good luck… “to find the fire hydrants.”
American Revolution Jokes: My great, great, great grandfather was a soldier and a patriot and in order to treat his wounds and scars he used revo-lotion.
My grandpa’s last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond…. That’s a lot of pressure.
A boy, his dad & his grandpa all hear the same hilarious joke, laugh too hard and pee their pants… Guess you could say it runs in their jeans.
My grandma got a new hearing aid. “It was $5,” she said. “What kind is it?” I asked. “Ten-o-clock.”
New York Jokes: A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”
Why did Grandpa have the dog beside him always?… So that he could blame the dog day in and out for all his gas leaks.
It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup, and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, a relative or even a neighbor to take the seat? The man shook his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
What does a grandmother and a website have in common?… You can’t deny the cookies.
My grandparents buy me so many school supplies for the first day of school that I have to take the first two weeks off just to sharpen pencils.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times. Eventually, they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?… She wanted to rock ‘n’ roll!
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?… “How far do you think I can kick the bucket?”
Why do you have to take permission from Grandpa to sell fish?… Because he is the cod-father.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans & eating avocado toast. I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: “This is my hip replacement.”
What one thing became more clear as you got older?… Why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.
What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?… He doesn’t listen.
Retirement Jokes: When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
What happened when grandma decided to take action against the airline for losing her luggage?… She lost her case.
Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
Navy Jokes: My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open… Which is probably why his submarine sank.
Why is Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?… They were all relatives.
What do Minions call their Grandmas?… Ba-Nanas.
Why do grandparents smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
Grandfather: Bet I can tell you the score of the NFL game between before the game starts! Grandson: No Way! Grandfather: 0-0.
Why did grandpa spend only one hour with the grandchildren?… Because one hour with them and he felt like a young fellow, more than that he said he feels drastically old.
Why do grandparents count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”
What do you call a walking stick that makes grandma walk faster?… A hurricane.
What are the two things your grandpa doesn’t like about you as a little boy?… #1 you don’t want to sleep in the afternoon. #2, you won’t let him take a nap either.
Is there baseball in heaven?
What did Grandpa say after reading ‘Karaoke Tonight’ at a restaurant?… He just asked what sort of fish that was.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?… Their AGE!
Dad, what is it like to have the best child in the world?… I don’t know, go ask your grandparents.
What was the reason for Grandpa changing his major?… So that he could switch to Classics from Literature.
My grandfather woke up just now… He is dreaming and muttering about how he wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy. He’s Tolkien in his sleep.
Why did the grandfather clock fall over?… It went back too far for Daylight Saving!
How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails?… She hid his dentures.
What do people call jokes when they get old?… A grandpa joke.
Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her inside.
I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?… “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”
What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?… I don’t know. My 17 aunts and uncles won’t answer my question.
What did Grandpa say when everyone told him my father looked like him? He said, “He’s a poor guy, don’t worry he’ll grow out of it.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there’s an increased chance that… …they will see you later!
Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
What did Grandpa name the Italian restaurant he started in Grandma’s memory?… Pasta Way!
If your great-grandmother saw you making boxed mashed potatoes … she would turn over in her gravy.
Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about grandparents?
Shoutout to my grandparents… Because that’s the only way they can hear me!
My grandmother woke up just now… He is dreaming and muttering about how he wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy. He’s Tolkien in his sleep.
From what did grandpa say he suffered a high degree of stress?… From grandma.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands… and two of them were just napping.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?… Because they have a common enemy.
What did the 90 year old say to his great-grandson?… I miss the days of being your age when my teeth were in my mouth 24/7!
What did the mama #turkey say to her naughty son?… If your grandpa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good #grandparent knock-knock joke?
At a kid’s party, the hired clown was late to arrive. When he finally did arrive, he walked up to grandpa and asked, “Where are the kids, sir?” Grandpa looked him straight in the eye and answered very seriously, “That would be us. We grew up in the time it took for you to arrive.”
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henry Youngman
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good grandparent knock knock jokes?
Grandpa: “I used to have an origami business.” Grandson: “What happened to it?” Grandpa: “It folded!”
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach…. That’s why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Grandpa: “Look they made a movie about The Smurfs grown-up.” Grandson: “Grandpa, shhhhhhh, that’s ‘Avatar’…”
Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about Grandparents Day?
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good Grandparents Day knock-knock joke?
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good Grandparents Day knock knock jokes?
If you, your parents and your grandparents use Reddit, I guess you could say it’s … ha-Reddit-ary.
Why do grandparents count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
What do grandparents smell like?… “Depends”
When is your grandparents bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?… I don’t know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings
Shout out to my grandparents!… Not because they both helped out with something, but because they have a hearing disability.
An older woman runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.” “Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?” “That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”
What did Rihanna say to her grandmother with Alzheimer’s?… Oh nana, what’s my name?
My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was surprised about this… It was a four gone conclusion.
I’m 12 feet taller than my grandparents… I’m 6 feet tall and they’re 6 feet under.
Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea… Runs in the family.
What did the Nana pancake say to the grandchild burnt pancake?… I don’t like your flip side.
What did the grandpa pancake say to the grandchild burnt pancake?… I don’t like your flip side.
What would a lawnmower grandfather’s epitaph be like?… ‘Now he’s lawn-gone’.
What is grandpa’s bedtime?… One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair.
Who is the one that chimes every one hour?… A grandfather, who’s like the clock.
Why did grandpa tell the ghosts about his shirt size?… Because he was the medium.
Why did Grandpa get banned from the zoo?… Because he had a lion’s heart.
Why did Grandpa like to wear glasses while collecting take out for dinner?… He goes to pick up the dinner with a contact-less drive-through.
What does Grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?… He doesn’t listen.
What do people call grandfather clocks?… The old-timers.
How would Grandpa react when you tell him about online classes?… He would say, “Why is your education on the line? How will that work?”
What did the tall Grandpa say to the little boy?… You will have to do your own growing boy, my height won’t help you with that.
How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent.. I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her. Guy: Hi, I’m Paul. Her: Hi, I’m pregnant. Case closed.
What did the grandpa say when he couldn’t understand his grandson’s jokes? He yelled, “Back in my days, at least jokes made sense!”
Why didn’t anyone know where the grandfather was?… Because he started walking 10 miles every day since his 65-year-old birthday and now he is 95.
What is the best thing about being 100 years old according to grandpa?… Grandpa said, one get’s to live without peer pressure.
Why did Grandpa refer to Grandma as Insta-gram?… Because she was on his speed dial.
How did the Grandma stop my grandpa’s habit of biting his nails after 40 long years?… She hid his glass of teeth.
Why is Grandpa always smiling at Grandma?… Because he cannot hear anything she says and doesn’t want to upset her.
What did Grandma say to Grandpa, when he claimed that he let out a silent fart in the church?… She said, “Honey, you need to replace the batteries of your hearing aid.”
Two grandparents are having a phone call talking about their family. One grandparent talks about how proud she is that her granddaughter came to visit her while socially distanced The other said – “my grandson is so protective of me. He socially distances so much he won’t even call me!”
Why did the grandchild call grandpa a hipster?… Because grandma told him, hipsters buy clothes from thrift shops, wear glasses that are thick, and look different.
Why did Grandpa like spending more time with the grandchildren?… Because he got to play with toys that he couldn’t have.
Why did Grandpa spend only one hour with the grandchildren?… Because one hour with them and he felt like a young fellow, more than that he said he feels incredibly old.
What confirmed the fact that Grandpa should retire?… When he stopped lying about his age and switched to boasting about it.
What does Grandpa say when a waiter asks about the food at the restaurant?… He points at our finished plates and confirms, “They almost didn’t like it.”
What did the lawyer grandfather say to the waiter who wrote the bill at the cash counter?… Whoever writes it, pays for it.
Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?… They were all relatives.
Why did Grandpa get banned from the zoo?… Because he had a lion’s heart.
Why did grandpa yell ‘gallons, liters, pints’ the day after the Christmas party?… Because he likes to speak in volumes.
I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad’s sister “Vaccine”… I’m embarrassed to tell people that she’s Auntie Vax.
My entire family was not supportive during my pregnancy, but my grandparents supported my decision… They are great grandparents.
My grandparents were vaporized in a freak accident… They will be mist.
My great grandparents fought during World War I. They ended up getting a divorce.
My grandparents fought during the Cold War. They ended up getting a divorce.
Scientists say you’re more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents… If anyone sees any German snipers let me know.
Why is today the last day that one can see 82-year-old grandpa?… Because he would be 83 tomorrow.
My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology. They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.” Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandpa’s so cheap, when he dies, he’ll probably walk towards the light and turn it off.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?””
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type… At least he told us to be positive.
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep…. Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror. Humble man… terrible driver.
How did Grandpa describe her cataract surgery?… It was an eye-opening experience for her.
What changed grandma’s opinion about heart transplants?… She had a change of heart.
“Every time I go to a wedding, my grandma pokes me and says, “You’re next”. So, every time I go to a funeral with her, I poke her and say the same.”
Why did grandpa love grandma so much that he called her “love”, “honey”, “darling” even after 60 years of marriage?… Because grandpa had forgotten grandma’s name.
How are stars and fake teeth alike according to a grandfather?… These two come out only during the night.
Why did grandma call grandpa Spiderman?… Because, she said, “That boy finds it difficult to get out of the bathtub.”
“My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and he immediately returned… He forgot his teeth.”
Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record… It was a Type O.
On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.
Have you seen the sweater my grandmother made me?… It’s pretty knit.
Why did Grandma leave the job at the glue factory?… She could not stick with it.
“How did grandma agree to get spine surgery:? She told me, “It was holding me back for a really long time.””
Why was grandma so fascinated by a reversible sweater she was knitting? She said, “I want to see how it turns out.”
My grandmother was a Math teacher. We were discussing infinity the other day… and it kept going on forever.
Why did Grandpa get banned from the zoo?… Because he had a lion’s heart.
What would a lawnmower grandfather’s eulogy be like?… Now he’s lawn-gone.
My grandparents passed away 36 times… Every time I change jobs all four of them come alive again.
My grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favorite Captain. When I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard.
My grandfather was a baker in the army… He went in all buns glazing.
Why was Grandma in such a hurry while making pasta sauce for the dinner guests?… It was already 8pm and she was running out of thyme.
What happened when Grandma accidentally dropped the basket of ironed laundry?… We watched it all unfold.
A Grandparents Ipod “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash “
“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
“Talking’ Bout My Medication” by the Who “
“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the Bee Gees
“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
“Bald Thing” by the Troggs
“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
“I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye
Grandfather Jokes
Why do Grandpas smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
When is your grandpas bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
Why do grandpas count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
Grandfather Jokes Why do Grandpas smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
When is your grandpas bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch. (Napping Jokes)
Why do grandpas count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”
Funny Sayings A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
“Never have children, only grandchildren.” Gore Vidal
“Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you’re just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.“ Pam Brown
“You’re more trouble than the children are” is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive.” Gene Perret
“Grandchildren: the only people who can get more out of you than the IRS.” Gene Perret
“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.” Erma Bombeck (Top Halloween Jokes)
“No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.” Author Unknown
“Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation.” Lois Wyse
“If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I’d have had them first.” Lois Wyse
“Elephants and grandchildren never forget.” Andy Rooney
“To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” Robert Brault
“You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.” Proverb
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” Ellen DeGeneres
“Two things I dislike about my granddaughter – when she won’t take her afternoon nap, and when she won’t let me take mine.” Gene Perret
“An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.” Gene Perret
“It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.” Author Unknown
“Grandchildren don’t stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them.” Gene Perret
“When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.” Ogden Nash
“My grandkids believe I’m the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.” Gene Perret
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henry Youngman
“Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy? They suck it out of their grandparents.” Gene Perret
“I don’t intentionally spoil my grandkids. It’s just that correcting them often takes more energy than I have left.” Gene Perret
“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” Sam Levenson
“My grandchild has taught me what true love means. It means watching Scooby-Doo cartoons while the basketball game is on another channel.” Gene Perret
“I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have – if only for self-defense.” Gene Perret
“On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.” Gene Perret
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.” Gene Perret
“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.” G. Norman Collie
“A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.” Author Unknown
“I like to do nice things for my grandchildren – like buy them those toys I’ve always wanted to play with.” Gene Perret
“My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t play my Game Boy?” Unknown
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather – not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Will Shriner
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.” #grandparents #GrandparentsDay
Grandkid: “Does beer make you smarter?” Grandparent: “No, but it made #Budweiser.” #grandparents #GrandparentsDay
Funny Sayings
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
“Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you’re just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.“ Pam Brown
“You’re more trouble than the children are” is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive.” Gene Perret
“Never have children, only grandchildren.” Gore Vidal
“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.” Erma Bombeck (Top Halloween Jokes)
“No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.” Author Unknown
“Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation.” Lois Wyse
“If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I’d have had them first.” Lois Wyse
“Elephants and grandchildren never forget.” Andy Rooney
“To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” Robert Brault
“You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.” Proverb
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” Ellen DeGeneres
“Two things I dislike about my granddaughter – when she won’t take her afternoon nap, and when she won’t let me take mine.” Gene Perret
“An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.” Gene Perret
“It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.” Author Unknown
“Grandchildren don’t stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them.” Gene Perret
“When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.” Ogden Nash
“My grandkids believe I’m the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.” Gene Perret
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henry Youngman
“Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy? They suck it out of their grandparents.” Gene Perret
“I don’t intentionally spoil my grandkids. It’s just that correcting them often takes more energy than I have left.” Gene Perret
“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” Sam Levenson
“My grandchild has taught me what true love means. It means watching Scooby-Doo cartoons while the basketball game is on another channel.” Gene Perret
“I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have – if only for self-defense.” Gene Perret
“On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.” Gene Perret
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.” Gene Perret
“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.” G. Norman Collie
“A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.” Author Unknown
“I like to do nice things for my grandchildren – like buy them those toys I’ve always wanted to play with.” Gene Perret
“My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t play my Game Boy?” Unknown
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather – not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Will Shriner
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
“Grandchildren: the only people who can get more out of you than the IRS.” Gene Perret
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Tag: Funny Grandparent Jokes for Kids

Grandparent Jokes