Best 101 Grandparent Jokes

My Town Tutors is a great resource for parents & teachers. Check out our Guest Blogs for Education, Parents, Travel, Music and College.

Google Search “101 Grandparent Jokes”

Chocolate Chip Cookie Jokes: My grandmother bakes chocolate chip cookies the fastest… It literally takes her nana-seconds.
“Grandpa you have March Madness teeth!… You are down to your Final Four!”
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?… Instagram.
After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back & earned her very first diploma……I asked her what will she be wearing for her #graduation ceremony. She said depends.
A CNN reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great #grandma “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
Grandma was showing us a painting of the Pilgrim Family on Thanksgiving card. She commented, ‘The Pilgrim children enjoyed going to church with their moms & #ads & praying to God.’ My brother looked at her doubtfully & asked, ‘Then why is their father carrying that rifle?’
A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Today I went to visit my dead grandparents at the cemetery but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb… It was a grave mistake.
A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
How was grandmother’s 90th birthday party?… It was an emotional moment for all of us, even the cake was in tiers.
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
What do you call a grandpa whale?… A hunch back whale!
Which relative chimes at you every hour?… A Grandfather Clock!
My grandparents bought a new China set. They asked me what I thought of it… I said it was fine.
Wizard of Oz Jokes: Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren, smiles warmly “When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.”
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
Labor Day Jokes: My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” Sam Levenson
What do people call grandfather clocks?… The old-timers.
My grandpa said he was built upside down… his nose runs & his feet smell.
What’s the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant & your grandma’s cooking?… At an all-you-can-eat restaurant, you decide when you’re full.
Who will you call to bake the tastiest apple pies?… Granny Smith.
Why do people give a shout-out to their grandpa on their birthdays?… Because that is the only way grandpa can hear them.
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” … “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans…. Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they?
Labor Day Jokes: What did grandma say about her career as a young girl?… “I worked at the shoe showroom, and then they gave me the boot.”
Mom, what is it like to have the best child in the world?… I don’t know, go ask your grandparents!
A 2nd grader came home from school & said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today… it’s simple. You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
When my grandson and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, my grandson whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
My grandpa told me when he was small the alphabet only had 25 letters… Nobody knew Y.
I went to a cemetery today with my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”
How did Grandma describe her cataract surgery?… It was an eye-opening experience for her.
My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday… Until she pasta-way.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60….. Now he’s 97 years old & we don’t know where he is.
A fire truck zoomed past with a a Dalmatian dog in the front seat! Kids started discussing the dog’s duties. “Keep crowds back”… “He’s just for good luck… “to find the fire hydrants.”
American Revolution Jokes: My great, great, great grandfather was a soldier and a patriot and in order to treat his wounds and scars he used revo-lotion.
My grandpa’s last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond…. That’s a lot of pressure.
A boy, his dad & his grandpa all hear the same hilarious joke, laugh too hard and pee their pants… Guess you could say it runs in their jeans.
My grandma got a new hearing aid. “It was $5,” she said. “What kind is it?” I asked. “Ten-o-clock.”
New York Jokes: A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”
Why did Grandpa have the dog beside him always?… So that he could blame the dog day in and out for all his gas leaks.
It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup, and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, a relative or even a neighbor to take the seat? The man shook his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
What does a grandmother and a website have in common?… You can’t deny the cookies.
My grandparents buy me so many school supplies for the first day of school that I have to take the first two weeks off just to sharpen pencils.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times. Eventually, they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?… She wanted to rock ‘n’ roll!
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?… “How far do you think I can kick the bucket?”
Why do you have to take permission from Grandpa to sell fish?… Because he is the cod-father.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans & eating avocado toast. I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: “This is my hip replacement.”
What one thing became more clear as you got older?… Why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.
What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?… He doesn’t listen.
Retirement Jokes: When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
What happened when grandma decided to take action against the airline for losing her luggage?… She lost her case.
Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
Navy Jokes: My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open… Which is probably why his submarine sank.
Why is Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?… They were all relatives.
What do Minions call their Grandmas?… Ba-Nanas.
Why do grandparents smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
Grandfather: Bet I can tell you the score of the NFL game between before the game starts! Grandson: No Way! Grandfather: 0-0.
Why did grandpa spend only one hour with the grandchildren?… Because one hour with them and he felt like a young fellow, more than that he said he feels drastically old.
Why do grandparents count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”
What do you call a walking stick that makes grandma walk faster?… A hurricane.
What are the two things your grandpa doesn’t like about you as a little boy?… #1 you don’t want to sleep in the afternoon. #2, you won’t let him take a nap either.
Is there baseball in heaven?
What did Grandpa say after reading ‘Karaoke Tonight’ at a restaurant?… He just asked what sort of fish that was.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?… Their AGE!
Dad, what is it like to have the best child in the world?… I don’t know, go ask your grandparents.
What was the reason for Grandpa changing his major?… So that he could switch to Classics from Literature.
My grandfather woke up just now… He is dreaming and muttering about how he wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy. He’s Tolkien in his sleep.
Why did the grandfather clock fall over?… It went back too far for Daylight Saving!
How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails?… She hid his dentures.
What do people call jokes when they get old?… A grandpa joke.
Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her inside.
I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?… “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”
What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?… I don’t know. My 17 aunts and uncles won’t answer my question.
What did Grandpa say when everyone told him my father looked like him? He said, “He’s a poor guy, don’t worry he’ll grow out of it.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there’s an increased chance that… …they will see you later!
Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
What did Grandpa name the Italian restaurant he started in Grandma’s memory?… Pasta Way!
If your great-grandmother saw you making boxed mashed potatoes … she would turn over in her gravy.
Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about grandparents?
Shoutout to my grandparents… Because that’s the only way they can hear me!
My grandmother woke up just now… He is dreaming and muttering about how he wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy. He’s Tolkien in his sleep.
From what did grandpa say he suffered a high degree of stress?… From grandma.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands… and two of them were just napping.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?… Because they have a common enemy.
What did the 90 year old say to his great-grandson?… I miss the days of being your age when my teeth were in my mouth 24/7!
What did the mama #turkey say to her naughty son?… If your grandpa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good #grandparent knock-knock joke?
At a kid’s party, the hired clown was late to arrive. When he finally did arrive, he walked up to grandpa and asked, “Where are the kids, sir?” Grandpa looked him straight in the eye and answered very seriously, “That would be us. We grew up in the time it took for you to arrive.”
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henry Youngman
Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good grandparent knock knock jokes?
Grandpa: “I used to have an origami business.” Grandson: “What happened to it?” Grandpa: “It folded!”
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach…. That’s why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Grandpa: “Look they made a movie about The Smurfs grown-up.” Grandson: “Grandpa, shhhhhhh, that’s ‘Avatar’…”

Tag: Best 101 Grandparent Jokes

101 Grandparent Jokes