Psychology Jokes

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High School Psychology Lessons

1. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (Pavlov’s Dog Experiment: Amazing Nobel Prize Psychology Lesson!)
2. What do you call sad coffee?”… Despresso. (Top Coffee Day Jokes)
3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. (Top Mother’s Day Jokes)
4. What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?… A magician pulls. rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
5. What profession truly enjoys fruitcakes?… Psychologists (Top Psychology Jokes: Looking for a sponsor)
6. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?… Just one, so long as the light bulb *wants* to change.
7. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant. “What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer. “Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.” “Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.” “Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said. “By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer. “Applied psychology.”
8. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?… Just one, but it’ll need nine more sessions.
9. Why was Pavlov’s Hair so soft?… Classical conditioning
10. Dog #1 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? #2 No but it makes my mouth water.
11. Pavlov’s dog to his ladyfriend: “See that! Everytime I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook.”
12. The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.  Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”  A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?” (Top Basketball Jokes)
13. Receptionist to psychologist: “Doctor, there’s a patient here who thinks he’s invisible.” “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
14. What did the hippocampus say when it retired?… “Thanks for the memories.”
15. How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?… Just one. All he has to do is to hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
16. “Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me.”… “What do you mean by that?”
17. At a job interview for a new receptionist: “I see you used to be employed by a psychologist. Why did you leave?””Well, I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional.” (Top Summer Jobs for Teachers)
18. One behaviorist meets another one on the street. He says, “Hi. How am I feeling today?”
19. Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for men than for women?… Because when it comes to going back to childhood, men are already there.
20. A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, “So, how did it go?” “Fine,” she replied, “but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slip.” (Top Winter Jokes)
21. “After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.” “What did he say?” “”No hablo inglés.”” (Spanish Teachers are Great Tutors)
22. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?… Well, how many do you think it takes?
23. What do kind of coffee goes well with a fruit cake?”… Despresso. (Top Fruit Cake Day Jokes)
24. “Doctor, I feel like such a failure.”… “Anyone who can pay my fees is certainly not a failure.”
25. What’s the difference between a loan and a psychologist?… The loan eventually matures and earns money.
26. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!” The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what *that* was all about?”
27. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, “My God! Whoever did this really needs help!”
28. What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?… If you say, ‘I hate my mother’, a psychiatrist will ask, ‘Why do you say that?’, whereas a psychologist will say, ‘Thank you for sharing that with us.’
29. One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After telling him his troubles, the man says, “So doc, what’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “Well, you’re crazy.” Indignant, the man replies, “I am not, I want another opinion.” To which the doctor replies, “OK… You’re also ugly.”
30. A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless.” Poof! He’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone. “You’re next,” the genie says to the professor. The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”