Grandparents Day Jokes: Top Jokes for Grandparents

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  1. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma… Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Aunt. Aunt who?… Aunt you glad Grandma’s gone?
  2. What do you call a grandpa whale?… A hunch back whale!
  3. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
  4. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
  5. When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
  6. Why do grandparents count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
  7. Why do Grandparents smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
  8. When is your grandparents bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
  9. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
  10. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
  11. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
  12. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
  13. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
  14. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
  15. 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.” (Top Teacher Jokes)
  16. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
  17. Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
  18. A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
  19. A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
  20. A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”
  21. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

A Grandparents Ipod

  1. “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash “
  2. “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
  3. “Talking’ Bout My Medication” by the Who “
  4. “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
  5. “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the Bee Gees
  6. “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
  7. “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
  8. “Bald Thing” by the Troggs
  9. “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
  10. “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye

Grandfather Jokes

  1. Why do Grandpas smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
  2. When is your grandpas bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
  3. Why do grandpas count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
  4. When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
  5. Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
  6. A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
  7. A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
  8. A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
  9. A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”
  10. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Funny Sayings

    1. A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
    2. “Never have children, only grandchildren.” Gore Vidal
    3. “Becoming a grandmother is wonderful.  One moment you’re just a mother.  The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.“ Pam Brown
    4. “You’re more trouble than the children are” is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive.” Gene Perret
    5. “Grandchildren: the only people who can get more out of you than the IRS.” Gene Perret
    6. “A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.” Erma Bombeck (Top Halloween Jokes)
    7. “No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.” Author Unknown
    8. “Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation.” Lois Wyse
    9. “If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I’d have had them first.” Lois Wyse
    10. “Elephants and grandchildren never forget.” Andy Rooney
    11. “To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” Robert Brault
    12. “You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.” Proverb
    13. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.  She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” Ellen DeGeneres
    14. “Two things I dislike about my granddaughter – when she won’t take her afternoon nap, and when she won’t let me take mine.” Gene Perret
    15. “An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.  Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.” Gene Perret
    16. “It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.” Author Unknown
    17. “Grandchildren don’t stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them.” Gene Perret
    18. “When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.” Ogden Nash
    19. “My grandkids believe I’m the oldest thing in the world.  And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.” Gene Perret
    20. “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henry Youngman
    21. “Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy?  They suck it out of their grandparents.” Gene Perret
    22. “I don’t intentionally spoil my grandkids.  It’s just that correcting them often takes more energy than I have left.” Gene Perret
    23. “The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” Sam Levenson
    24. “My grandchild has taught me what true love means.  It means watching Scooby-Doo cartoons while the basketball game is on another channel.” Gene Perret
    25. “I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have – if only for self-defense.” Gene Perret
    26. “On the seventh day God rested.  His grandchildren must have been out of town.” Gene Perret
    27. “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.” Gene Perret
    28. “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.” G. Norman Collie
    29. “A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.” Author Unknown
    30. “I like to do nice things for my grandchildren – like buy them those toys I’ve always wanted to play with.” Gene Perret
    31. “My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.  After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t play my Game Boy?” Unknown
    32. “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather – not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Will Shriner
    33. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
    34. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
    35. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
    36. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
    37. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

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