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We listed the one-liners first and the longer ones toward the end.
- What did the Buffalo say to his son?… Bye-son
- Do dads always snore?… No, only when they are asleep!
- A Father’s Day book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.
- What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?…A POPsicle!
- How is the baby bird like its dad?…He’s a chirp off the old block.
- Boy: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday? Friend:I love it! Boy:Why? Friend: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!
- Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders. Son: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!
- What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?…Spook when you’re spooken to!
- Why do fathers who golf take an extra pair of socks?…In case they get a hole in one!
- Dad: How do you like fourth grade? Son: It isn’t much fun. Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life!
- Boy: I have a lot of my dad’s genes. Friend: Really? I bet they don’t fit.
- Boy: I made a bad mistake today and gave my dad some soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast. Friend: Was he mad? Boy: Yup. He was foaming at the mouth!
- Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?…Voice: This is my father.
- Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card. Johnny: I don’t have it. Johnny’s father: Why not? Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
- What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?…M0m and Dad!
- My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it’s always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!
- Knock knock…Who’s there?…Canoe…Canoe who?…Canoe help me with my homework please Dad – I’m stuck!
- Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?…Science student: When my father sees my report card!
- Son: For $20, I’ll be good…Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
- Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?…Dad:… No.Son:… Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!
- Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate…Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
- Boy: What does your father do for a living? Friend: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half. Boy: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Friend: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
- Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
- Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
- One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, “Daddy, you’re the boss, aren’t you?” Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued, “That’s because Mommy put you in charge, right?”
- While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”
- On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked. “Honey, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”
- My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
- A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. “Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…” “Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him. “ …Which bus would I take home?”
- A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, “It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.” “H’m,” said the father, “it would make a more natural picture if he put it in my pocket.
- Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain,” said the proud father of number one to the rector. “I am English, my wife’s Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails.”
If you have any other Father’s Day Jokes, please tweet us @mytowntutors.